The Five Levels of Intimacy

Written by Barbara Wilson

Does God care about your love life?

First comes love…or sex?

“First comes love, then comes marriage, then here they come with a baby carriage.” You may recognize this little rhythm my generation used to sing to embarrass each other.  Based on today’s culture the rhythm could go: “First comes sex, then comes living together, and the baby carriage could happen anytime or with anybody, as does the sex.”

Casual sex has changed the landscape of relationships and marriage.  Before 1960 most people saved sex for marriage, but now according to a recent survey, most people have sex before marriage. So how has this new trend impacted today’s marriages? First, the divorce rate: prior to 1960 the divorce rate was less than 25%, today it’s closer to 50%. As the rate of promiscuity has risen, so has the divorce rate. But secondly, and what this article will discuss is how casual sex has inhibited our ability to build emotional intimacy into our relationships, and how this emotional deficit is impacting marriages today.

Sex After Child Birth

Don't Start Too Soon

Remember that sexual activity should not be resumed until at least four weeks after giving birth. This applies whether you give birth vaginally or by C-section, because your body will need time to heal. Many ob/gyns will recommend waiting 4-6 weeks before having sex. This allows time for the cervix to close, postpartum bleeding to stop, and any tears or stitches to heal. If you have sex too soon you risk pain, soreness, and infection. If you decide to have sex during this period despite your doctor's warning, be sure to use a condom to reduce your chances of infection.

Once you get the green light from your doctor: you can have sex again. But while this news will make your partner a very happy man, you may be a bit worried about resuming your love life. Something very large came out of that area, and it was traumatic, even though the delivery brought the gift of your beautiful baby. You're worried about sex—worried it will be painful—worried you'll have no sex drive. The truth is, these are reasonable fears, but facing fears is the best way to conquer them. Let's take a look at the issues:

New Responses

*Sex will be different now. You will want to have gentle lovemaking sessions at first. It may take a few months for you to learn your new sexual responses: what feels good, what hurts. Be patient. You may also have concerns about your fit with your partner now that you've delivered a baby. It may feel different for your partner and for you, but in general, the body is designed to return to its pre-pregnant state. Be religious about doing your Kegel exercises. This will strengthen the muscles of your pelvic floor to help you regain that perfect fit.

Develop the Love

"And what this love consists in is this, that we live and walk in accordance with and guided by His commandments His orders, ordinances, precepts, teaching. This is the commandment, as you have heard from the beginning, that you continue to walk in love guided by it and following it." (2 John 1:6, The Amplified Bible)

Quite simply, God says love is keeping His commandments. That brings love out of the indefinite into something explicit. But God has done more than define love for you. He's given you instructions so that you can know how to love as He loves. By giving you His Word, God has given you His love manual in black and white. All you have to do is follow it and you'll be walking in love.

If you've made Jesus Christ the Lord of your life, you've already taken the first step of obedience. The love of God has been born within you. But, unless you take steps to develop it, that love will remain hidden within you. Love works in much the same way as the force of faith. Like faith, love becomes active through knowledge of the Word.