Sex or a Good Night’s Sleep?

Discover Your Libido Type

By Dana Demas, Special to LifeScript

Are you and your partner in a sex slump? Different lovemaking styles may be to blame. In her new book When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match (Marlowe & Company, 2007), sex therapist Sandra Pertot says that different libido types can lead to anxiety in the bedroom. So, what’s your sex type? Plus, find out how your sex life measures up with our quiz…
       

In the beginning of a relationship, you can’t get enough of each other.

Every touch is a revelation.

Every glance is foreplay.

It’s the best of times for hot, exciting sex because you’re so new to each other.
However, sooner or later most couples find that differences in sexual appetite and style emerge.

She wants sex more often than he does.

Or he craves more excitement or variety, while she is happy with things the way they are.

Or one person always initiates sex and resents that the other never does.

Add to this the everyday pressures of life and sex can become more of a hassle than a pleasure. 

Understanding your and your partner’s libido types can pave the way to a happier, healthier sex life in the long run, Pertot says.

Here’s how to make sure both of you achieve − and maintain − satisfaction, even if your sex drives don’t match perfectly.
What’s Your Libido Type? 

A good sex life is about harmony, Pertot says.

But to her, harmony isn’t both partners craving the same type of sex with the same frequency.

It’s about having sex in a way that’s pleasing to both partners.
In When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match, Pertot outlines 10 libido types and gives tips to help couples in different categories find a comfortable middle ground.

Your libido type is determined by how important sex is to you, why and when you like to have sex, what you get out of it, and what you enjoy most.
Understanding your libido type and your partner’s helps you to better understand what’s important to each of you about sex, if your preferences match or differ, and how to make them work together. 

Often couples are not as far apart sexually as they may seem, Pertot says.

But when partners get angry and frustrated, they take more extreme positions.

She says to give up the idea of one person being right and the other being wrong to create a more satisfying sex life, free of shame and rejection.

A person’s type can change depending on external circumstances such as work and family pressures, and some people are blends of several types.

But for the most part, one type is dominant at any given point in our lives. According to Pertot, the following six libido types are the most common.

Sensual
Your emotional connection with your partner drives your desire for sexual intimacy.

• Being “present” during sex is more important than any particular technique or activity.

Pleasant physical sensations are connected to warm feelings for your partner.

• You love kissing and skin-to-skin contact.
• You want to please your partner in bed, but you also communicate what you want.
• Seeing or thinking of your partner can trigger arousal, which can persist for hours or days.
• Feeling ignored or distant from your partner dampens your interest in sex.
• Sometimes you feel like your partner wants to do more experimental things in bed than you, and it bothers you.

Erotic
Intense and passionate sex is an essential part of life for you.

• Sexual variety is the essence of good sex in your opinion.
• You enjoy frequent touching, different positions and sex acts, as well as spending lots of time having sex.
• You like to create special or unusual sexual scenarios to keep things exciting, such as having sex in the car or buying a new toy.
• You want your partner to initiate sexual games and excitement and be receptive to your advances. Sex is an essential part of your relationship and your life.
• You become frustrated when you’re not getting equal enthusiasm and curiosity from your partner. You may have trouble finding someone who can match your level of passion and excitement over the long run.

Dependent
Sex is a daily physical and emotional release that you find difficult to go without.

• You expect to have sex daily with your partner and masturbate if you don’t.
• You notice a change in your behavior and mood when you go a day or two without sex, often becoming preoccupied with intercourse and short-tempered with your partner.
• Sometimes you have sex to lift you out of a low mood or to deal with stress.
• You get very irritated when your partner doesn’t want to have sex, and your partner may feel burdened by the task of keeping you happy.
• Sometimes feelings of frustration or other negative emotions trigger a feeling of sexual desire.

Reactive
Sex is about pleasing a partner more than pleasing yourself.

• Like Sensual types, you view sex as being more about the shared emotional connection than about the physical connection. However, you have fewer sexual needs than a Sensual type. 
• You do not feel much spontaneous sexual desire when you’re alone or single, but you’re very responsive to sex with a partner.
• You can’t imagine your relationship without sex and you’re very focused on pleasing your partner.
• You tend to have sex whenever your partner wants to, but you do not initiate it.
• You enjoy giving sexually more than you enjoy receiving, and orgasm is not your top priority.
• You feel that if your partner is sexually satisfied, your relationship is secure.

Stressed
Sex has become a source of stress and pressure.

• You love your partner and you’re committed to your relationship, but you feel overwhelmed by feelings of pressure to have sex.
• Sex in your relationship has become a source of tension, not pleasure
• Your partner seems bored or unsatisfied sexually and you feel insecure about your ability to please him or her.
• You avoid going to bed at the same time as your partner or make excuses to avoid having sex.
• You may masturbate, which confuses or angers your partner.
• You feel there is something wrong with you because you don’t want to have sex with your partner.
• Detached

Sex is important, but not a priority amid other life responsibilities.

• Sex is low on your list of priorities—you love your partner and enjoy sex, but it’s not the main focus right now.
• You avoid sex or sexual situations with your partner so you can get things done around the house or for work.
• You often prefer masturbation to partner sex because it’s more efficient and requires less work.
• Thoughts of what you have on your “to do” list often overpower your sexual needs and desires.
• Sex sometimes feels like a distraction or a burden.

According to Pertot, different libido types can create tension and anxiety in the bedroom, which may ultimately take a toll on the relationship.

How’s Your Sex Life?
For some of us, regular sex is as necessary as breathing; others don't mind an occasional dry spell. Where you fall on the nookie spectrum has a lot to do with just how passionate you are about making whoopee. Find out how much you really want it with this libido quiz.

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