by Greg and Erin Smalley
Q. My husband enjoys looking at pornography. He says it's what other normal men do and that I shouldn't make a big deal about it. He says I should know he loves me, and besides, he's just looking. I try to keep myself attractive for him. Am I crazy for wanting my husband to look only at me naked?
A. You are not crazy! Pornography is one of the biggest issues marriages face today. There are many angles to address your question. We could focus on the mountains of research documenting the damage pornography causes; we could show how turning to pornography causes some people to withdraw from relationships; or how guilt, mistrust, and anger resulting from pornography can tear a marriage apart. But we want to go in a different direction.
Instead of focusing on getting your husband to stop looking at pornography, we want to encourage you to focus on the deeper underlying issues.
Kids. Sex. Money. According to therapists, these are the most common topics married couples argue about. After recently talking with a number of counselors and clergy about common marriage problems they’re dealing with, Facebook should be added to that list. In fact, Facebook is one of the most popular relationship conflicts for today’s married couples.
Why would that be? With over 400-million users, Facebook has become the preferred communication vehicle for connecting with friends and family, and has quickly integrated into the daily routines of adults of all ages. In its wake, many spouses are grappling to keep up with their feelings towards their mates’ rate of reconnected relationships, degrees of convenience connecting to the online social network, and their level of devotion to the website.
In fact, based off the research for our book, Facebook and Your Marriage (which included personal interviews with Facebookers, conversations with therapists, surveying many blogs and websites, and reading the dozens and dozens of comments on Facebook) we’ve discovered that when a spouse says “Facebook is an issue in my marriage,” it is a cry for help without an understanding of what the real problem is.
They mistakenly blame the website when it is most likely one of these five common Facebooking issues.
