by Dennis Rainey
I’m sure it comes as no shock, but men and women think of romance differently.
When asked to describe the purpose of romance, a woman will use words such as friendship, relationship, endearment, and tenderness. Given the same question, a man will answer with one of the shortest words in the English language—sex. For him, physical oneness and affirmation of his manhood equal romance.
Can two people with such different perspectives have their expectations met? Absolutely! But creating adventurous romance requires planning and enthusiastic effort. The relationship has to be a top priority. One reason so many marriage beds are frozen over or boring is that couples just don’t have time for romance and sex. Too many husbands and wives try to work sex in between the evening news and the top ten list on the David Letterman Show.
Let’s face it. Many of our activities and other important things get the best of our resources and energy. Jobs get our best. Children get our best. Church work gets our best. But are we saving any of our best for romance in marriage?
When we had children at home, Barbara and I worked hard to save some of our best for each other. Our children learned over the years that Mom and Dad often like to have quiet evenings alone. When the children were younger, we occasionally turned the kitchen into a famous big-time restaurant called the Rainey Rainbow Room and let each child order a special meal from a special menu. Barbara and I served as chef and waiter, and the kids had a great time learning a little bit about how to eat out.
Later in the evening, they knew they were to go to their rooms and stay there, not coming out for anything except bathroom runs. At 8 p.m., Barbara and I turned our bedroom into our own romantic cafe, complete with a small table, candles, and flowers (when I remembered to pick them up). There we would eat, talk, and relax. As we communicated, we were reminded of what attracted us to each other, and romance had an opportunity to ignite. We didn’t have to worry about a baby-sitter and didn’t have to leave the house to get away alone.
To make anything like this work, you must schedule it and then take the time to follow through. If I have learned anything in marriage, it is that romance, our relationship, and sex take time. And they deserve our best.
I have spent the better part of my marriage learning and adjusting this summary of a woman’s romantic needs. The list was developed through much observation and conversation with Barbara and other women. I also have learned a great amount from the best book ever written on romance, passion, and sex—the Song of Songs in the Old Testament. Obviously, a woman has more than five romantic needs, but I consider these to be the top five:
Romantic Need #1: To Be Spiritually Ministered to by Her Man
Are you surprised that something to do with candy and flowers isn’t number one? A woman wants a man eager to be her protector, someone who cares not just about her security and physical needs but also (and even more importantly) about her spirituality, the well-being of her very soul.
A husband can be a spiritual protector and advocate for his wife by praying with and for her daily, putting his arms around her, and saying, “I want to ask God to bless you. I want to take any needs you have in your life right now to the Lord. And I’m going to pray for you throughout this day.” A wise husband takes the lead in sharing Scripture and eagerly initiating conversation on spiritual issues.
A husband can contribute to his wife’s spiritual well-being by giving her some time to pursue her spiritual growth. For example, he might watch their child while she attends an evening Bible study.
I suggest that every young husband who wants to better understand his wife and his job description should read my friend and colleague Bob Lepine’s book The Christian Husband.
Romantic Need #2: To Feel Safe and Secure with Her Husband
A woman needs to feel her husband’s covenantal commitment to stay married and to love her and accept her. Then she feels safe to give him the gift of who she is in the marriage relationship. The Shulammite woman, who was the object of Solomon’s passion, said, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song 6:3). She obviously had a strong sense of contentment and security.
A wife needs to know that romantic intimacy is just between her and her husband, that he will not share any personal details with his friends. She should not feel pressured or fearful, experiencing the love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).
According to something I read recently, the typical couple spends only four minutes a day in meaningful conversation with each other. A lot of us husbands don’t realize that for our wives to consider us romantic, we first of all have to be a great friend and a conversationalist.
Grunts and one-word answers to questions just don’t cut it! Too many women don’t feel that their husbands really need them, and bare-bones conversation confirms their sense of low personal value. Many men who were accomplished at romantic, deep conversation during courtship seem to lose this talent later. You can rediscover the groove! Make a commitment to learn to make intimate conversation a priority with your wife. You need to talk and fill her in on the details of your life—not just facts, but feelings.
When a husband sincerely shows his desire for conversation and a deepening relationship—emotional intimacy—he will find that his wife is much more interested in sexual intimacy. Her dreams, hopes, desires, and disappointments then are not divorced from the marriage bed but are a part of it.
Romantic Need #4: To receive a Tender Touch and Hear Gentle Words
Before marriage, two people in love can hardly keep their hands off each other because they find the touch of their beloved thrilling. What happens after the wedding? Some couples married for a while would find a firm handshake a wildly intimate encounter. This should not be the case in a marriage. There is great power in tender touch, even if it’s just a long, full-body hug or a lingering kiss. Or the touch may be a gentle caress of her face that has no motive to make sexual demands but communicates, “I love you, Sweetheart, and I care for you tenderly.”
Gentle words have similar power. I have made a partial list of some things that I think any husband could use in complimenting and praising his wife: charm; femininity; faithfulness to God, you, your children; hard work; beauty; personality; her love, including her receptivity and responsiveness to you as a man; her advice and counsel; character; desirability; friendship and—that’s just a start. What wife won’t respond to a husband who praises her regularly with gentle words for all these qualities?
Romantic Need #5: To Be Pursued and Set Apart by Her Man
A wife wants a husband who will swoop her off her feet, carry her away to the castle, and say, “Let’s spend time together.” Focused attention is like precious gold in a relationship.
One time Barbara and I had a little unresolved argument over a weekend. A couple of days later we went on our customary weekly date. We finally had the time and environment to fully discuss and resolve our differences. It was just several hours away from phones, papers and bills, and the needs of our children. Your wife craves this focused attention from you.
A Great Lover
One of my favorite stories is of an interview with one of Hollywood's biggest male stars, a man known for his prowess with the opposite sex. At one point he was asked, “What makes a great lover?”
“Two things,” he replied. “First of all, it is a man who can satisfy one woman over a lifetime. And it is a man who can be satisfied with one woman for a lifetime.”
That was a great answer! To build a strong marriage where you and your wife are experiencing oneness, you must be committed to satisfying her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I hope you both enjoy a lifetime of satisfaction!
Taken from Starting Your Marriage Right © 2000 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.
Can birth control pills make orgasms more difficult to achieve?
Q: Can birth control pills make orgasms more difficult to achieve?I'm 16 and I’ve been on birth control for a long time. I recently started taking a certain brand, and all of a sudden my ability to orgasm went away...but I had been able to masturbate to orgasm before with no problems. So I decided to switch pills again to see if that would fix the problem...but nothing’s changed, even though I’ve been on it for almost a whole pack. Are birth control pills ruining my orgasms? Will I ever get my orgasms back?
ANSWERED BY
ANNETTE FUGLSANG OWENS, MD, PHD
ANNETTE FUGLSANG OWENS, MD, PHD
A: Thanks for sharing your questions. I’ll do my best to offer you some helpful information.
First, you’re right: some birth control pills can make it more difficult to achieve orgasm. It seems ironic that something you take to have safer sex can make it more difficult to enjoy sex, doesn’t it? Don’t despair, though. There’s hope...
Like other hormonal birth control methods, birth control pills provide a small dose of hormones to the body every day. And sometimes, the hormones in birth control pills don’t work well with a woman’s particular body chemistry, disrupting her ability to orgasm.
The good news is that your doctor can help you adjust medications and dosages.There are many different formulations of hormonal birth control options. Each type has a slightly different amount and mix of hormones. For example, some types provide the hormones estrogen and progestin while others only provide progestin. There are also different forms of hormonal birth control, including pills you take every day, a patch you replace each week, a ring that you insert once a month…or even shots you take every few months.
Talk to your doctor…that’s the best thing to do if you think your birth control is controlling your orgasm. Describe to your doctor your difficulty achieving orgasm, along with any other issues you might be having concerning sex. From there, based on your reaction to the types of birth control you’ve tried so far, your doctor may prescribe a different type of birth control, and/or a different dosage of hormones.
One more thing I’d like to mention, just in case it’s not already on your radar…
Birth control methods help prevent pregnancy…but they don't protect you from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). To help prevent catching an STD from a sexual partner or multiple partners, it’s a good idea to use latex condoms and get tested for common STDs on a regular basis. Why? Because most STDs don’t show any obvious signs or symptoms right away. You can learn more about STD risks, prevention and testing in our Expert Guide to STD Basics.
Thanks so much for writing, and I hope that you and your doctor soon get to the root cause of your current inability to reach orgasm
Dr. Owens is an AASECT-certified sexuality counselor. Her areas of expertise include the medical aspects of human sexuality and sexual problems, as well as the impact of STDs ⎼ and other diseases, illnesses and disabilities ⎼ on sexuality. Dr. Owens was educated at the University of Copenhagen in Denmark.
Teen Sexting Linked to More Sexual Activity
Teens Not Using Sexting to Delay Having Sex, as Some Have Suggested
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
"Sexting is part of the new landscape of the sex lives of teens," says researcher Eric Rice, PhD, assistant professor of social work at the University of Southern California, Los Angeles.
While some experts have suggested that sexting is an alternative to having sex for teens, this research suggests otherwise.
Teens who sexted were more likely to be sexually active, and some were more likely to engage in risky sex. He found that 15% of teens who had access to a cell phone had sexted, and 54% reported knowing someone who had sent a sext.
Rice says sexting should be addressed in sex education classes. The topic might also help parents open a conversation about sex with their teens, he says.
The study is published in Pediatrics.
While some experts have suggested that sexting is an alternative to having sex for teens, this research suggests otherwise.
Teens who sexted were more likely to be sexually active, and some were more likely to engage in risky sex. He found that 15% of teens who had access to a cell phone had sexted, and 54% reported knowing someone who had sent a sext.
Rice says sexting should be addressed in sex education classes. The topic might also help parents open a conversation about sex with their teens, he says.
The study is published in Pediatrics.
Sexting & Sexual Behaviors: Details
Rice looked at data from more than 1,800 Los Angeles high school students. Most students were 14 to 17 years old.
They answered questions about their own sexting practices and those of their friends.
They reported on their sexual activity and safe sex practices.
Nearly 87% of the students described themselves as heterosexual. The others reported being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or unsure of their orientation.
Those who had friends who sexted were much more likely to sext themselves, about 17 times more likely, Rice found.
And, "teens who sext are seven times more likely to be sexually active," he says.
Rice found differences between straight teens and other teens. Those who reported being non-heterosexual were nearly three times as likely to report sexting. They were 1.5 times more likely to report sexual activity and nearly two times as likely to have unprotected sex at their last encounter.
He cannot explain the differences, but speculates that the Internet may be an easier way to connect for non-heterosexual teens, who may fear stigma otherwise.
Most of the teens were Latino or Hispanic, while about a fifth were white or African-American. "I think we can say confidently, 'This is a good picture of urban youth,'" Rice says. "[But] this might not necessarily translate to rural youth."
Sexting & Sexual Activity: Perspective
The study results echo some of those found by Jeff R. Temple, PhD. Earlier this year, his study found that more than 1 in 4 teens have sent nude photos of themselves through text or email.
He also found that those who had sent a naked photo were more likely to be sexually active.
"We found sexting to be an extension of offline lives," he says. "It's a representation of what they are doing in their actual lives."
The finding about gay, lesbian, and transgender teens warrants more study, he says.
Meanwhile, parents might use the research as a way to start conversations about sex with their teens, Temple says.
"Use this as an opportunity to talk to kids about safe sex and actual sexual behavior," he says.
It can be as simple, Temple says, as mentioning the research in the news, then asking a teen:
"What do you think about this study?"
"What would you do if someone sent you a naked picture?"
Kathleen Doheny
Kathleen Doheny is a Los Angeles-based journalist specializing in health, fitness, and behavior topics. In addition to writing for WebMD, she contributes regularly to other web sites and to national magazines. Credits include the Los Angeles Times, Shape, Natural Health, Westways, Weight Watchers Magazine, Prevention magazine, Consumers Digest, cancerandcareers.org, and webvet.com.
Previously, she wrote a travel health column ("The Healthy Traveler"), a personal health column ("Your Body") and an automotive safety and health column ("Good Carma"), all for the Los Angeles Times. For seven years she taught magazine and feature writing at UCLA Extension, Los Angeles.
Among her writing awards is the Public Education Award For Excellence in Plastic Surgery Journalism from the American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons and the American Podiatric Medical Association Shapiro Journalism Award. She contributed to a series of WebMD autism articles that won the team the Society of Professional Journalists' 2008 Sigma Delta Chi Award for Excellence in Journalism.
Louise Chang, MD
Louise Chang, MD, is a senior member of the WebMD Medical Team. She is involved in WebMD’s social media space, award-winning medical news, video, and special projects, WebMD the Magazine, and ongoing content strategy and product development. She has always considered herself a patient advocate and educator at heart. She has had broad experience of inpatient and outpatient practice in urban and suburban settings. Dr. Chang shares the WebMD mission to provide the most accurate and useful medical information for people.
Dr. Chang completed her undergraduate degree at Stanford University and attended medical school at New York Medical College. She completed her internal medicine residency at Saint Vincent's Hospital in New York City, where she also served as a chief resident. Prior to joining WebMD, Dr. Chang served as an attending physician at Grady Memorial Hospital and faculty of the Emory University School of Medicine. She currently is adjunct assistant professor of medicine at Emory University School of Medicine.
She has served as an invited panelist for the White House Town Hall on Seniors’ Health. She has also been interviewed by nationally syndicated news programs and magazines. Dr. Chang is board certified in internal medicine. She is a member of the American College of Physicians, Society of General Internal Medicine, and the Society of Professional Journalists. Her prior research has been published and presented at regional and national conferences.
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