5 shocking sex facts

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Sex can help you give a great speech

Before you get carried away, we are not suggesting you hop into bed with your boss or sleep with the entire audience. However, having sex can help ease those all too familiar and very dreaded pre-speech nerves. This theory was developed by the psychologist Stuart Brody, who asked 22 women and 22 men to keep sex diaries about their bedroom antics. The group of men and women then had to undertake stressful tasks, like public speaking and mental arithmetic tests. Brody found that the couples who had had penetrative sex were less stressed and their blood pressure levels returned to normal at more speed that the others. Sadly though, those who “did it” alone did not reap the calming benefits, so buddy up before your next big speech.

A couple kissing

The Victorians were filthy

It turns out that the Victorians weren’t the tight-lipped prudes we once imagined. In fact it would seem that the Brits of the nineteenth century were a rather fruity bunch. Not only was this the age that heralded the vibrator as a cure for hysteria, but it also saw a rise in kinky behaviour and tools, such as nipple piercings, pubic wigs and some rather gruesome looking sex chairs. The sauciness doesn’t end there though. Although it is still disputed, it’s thought that the term blow job also derives from this “prudish” period where people would speak about a ‘below job’ and referred to prostitutes as ‘blowsys’.

We kiss to inoculate
Researchers at the University of Leeds believe that humans kiss to inoculate. Women who catch cytomegalovirus typically cannot carry a baby to term. However, if women are exposed to the virus in small doses then they become inoculated. And how can you inoculate against the virus? Why, through swapping saliva of course. Therefore, the brain boxes at the University of Leeds have concluded that we don’t jump into bed with each other straightaway because if we did we might infect women. Therefore we kiss to protect women from catching cytomegalovirus. So pucker up and stay healthy by smooching.

Giving oral is as good as the gym
Sadly girls, giving oral will only benefit you if you’re the giver not the taker. A study has found that pleasuring a guy and swallowing can lower women’s blood pressure and reduce their risk of getting pre-eclampsia. However, if you don’t have the stomach to tackle your man’s area in this way there are other ways you can lower your blood pressure. Another study found that having regular sex with a partner you lived with could lower your diastolic blood pressure, whilst another study found a link between cuddling and reduced blood pressure. So, although you shouldn’t give up on the gym altogether, ladies, it might be worth swapping your sports kit for something a little slinkier once in a while.

Sperm is a great face cream
Although it’s not a great idea to bottle your man stuff and give it to your girl as a present, it turns out that sperm contains protein, which if applied to the face has the same anti-wrinkle benefits as moisturising creams. Apparently the white stuff can tighten skin and give you a little surgery-free facelift. Interestingly, this isn’t the only benefit sperm has to offer. It also contains zinc, magnesium, calcium, potassium and fructose. Plus, if you’re still not convinced that sperm is super, a recent study in Albany found that women who had sex without condoms had fewer signs of depression than women who used condoms or did not have sex at all. Three cheers for semen.

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The Pervocracy - Using my vagina.

(Yes, I have a modular hacked vibrator in my bedroom.
I don't know why you'd imagine for an instant that I wouldn't.)

I can be very good at standing back and using my body instrumentally. When I have to do something disgusting at work, I can dissociate from my hands. I can still feel them (obviously), but I don't invest any emotion in it and I don't expect to enjoy it. Washing out a wound or emptying a bedpan isn't about how my hands feel, and that's okay.

And I can do the same thing with my vagina. When intercourse doesn't feel good to me, or even if it outright hurts, but my partner seems about to orgasm or he's just really emotionally invested and I can't bear to let him down, I can make that disconnect from my vagina. I'm up here, stuff's happening down there; unless it's unbearably painful or pleasurable, I can decide not to put much of my consciousness down there. I can stop living in my pussy, and just use it.

It'd be facile to say "so when you notice yourself doing this, it's bad and you should stop everything." The truth is, there are times when creating a little space between your self and your body is a valuable skill. It's a means to exercise self-control over your sexuality. And it's okay to make the adult, uncoerced decision to use your body to please your partner and not yourself--whether because of a D/s dynamic, for sex work, to cope with genital dysfunction, or simply because that's your deal.

The problem comes when it's not your deal. I've caught myself tuning out my vagina when the sex was supposed to be all about pleasuring me. For whatever Mysterious Vagina Reason, it wasn't going well, and instead of saying something, I just hit the off switch. In a sex act that began as "let's relax and have some fun", I quietly slid into "let's tolerate it and get through this." That's a crappy, unsexy, scary situation when you're not planning for it.

So: when you notice yourself doing this, notice it, question it, and if you decide to keep doing it, make it a conscious decision.

It's hard to say "this doesn't feel good to me" to a partner. When you've done all your consent and communication just right--when the sex is exactly what you asked for and your partner is trying hard to do it just the way you like--it's tough to turn around and go "er... it's not working." You feel like you're being infuriatingly fussy.

But when your body's being fussy, you're just the messenger. I have a generally reliable orgasm machine in my pants, and even so, there are some days it's like trying to feed a cat. "You liked this sex last week. You liked it so much that I went out and got a whole case of it. And now you won't touch it? You're impossible."

So my choice isn't really "be a flawless fuck" or "be a demanding fuck." "Flawless" just isn't an option open to me. It's down to "risk conflict but avoid discomfort" or "avoid conflict but endure discomfort." Well, when you put it like that... it'snot necessarily a foregone conclusion, but at least I know what choice I'm making. (And if I'm willing to suffer pain to avoid conflict with a partner, it's not proof I need to leave the relationship immediately, but it's definitely information about the relationship that I need to compare with my expectations.)

All this, besides dealing with a specific vagina-issue, pretty much sums up my current take on sex-positivity. Saying "all sex should be good happy orgasm fun sex!" doesn't work for me any more. It sounds nice, but there are legitimate circumstances where someone can't or doesn't want to have happy orgasm fun sex, and I don't want to deny their agency with cheery platitudes and dancing vibrators. You have the choice to have "bad" sex. All I'd hope is that it's a freely made and fully aware choice.

What I want is not a world of good sex. What I want is a world of chosen and considered sex. I don't think no one should ever have pleasureless sex. I think no one should ever have pleasureless sex unless they've thought about it and decided they really want to.

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