by Dr. Meg Meeker
Twenty-some years ago, I was driving down the highway very early in the morning. I was a senior pediatric resident at Children’s Hospital in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and was trying to get to work early enough to check on the younger residents’ patients before I started morning rounds. It was spring and I was pregnant with our second child. I was driving about 60 mph in a 65mph zone when I saw, with my peripheral vision, a friend trying to pass me in the left-hand lane on her way to make rounds.
Before a conscious thought was registered, my right foot reacted and my accelerator pedal pressed toward the floor. My car went from 60 to 65 mph. I didn’t want her to pass me. No sooner had I accelerated than she sped up to 68. Then I moved to 70 and she to 75. Since it was probably only 6 a.m., we were lucky enough not to be stopped by the police.
The most peculiar part of the exchange is that neither of us would acknowledge the other’s presence. Each time I sped up, I pretended not to notice that she was trying to pass me. And she did the same to me.
After all these years, neither of us will admit what we did (at least to each other). How ridiculous can two grown women be? Very ridiculous, because that is what competition brings out in us.
This is the frenetic mother culture in which you and I live: Improve our kids, don’t let them miss out. Make them more, get them more, and watch them more. Be a better mom, be a more successful mom, do something every day to improve something about them and us because—that’s what we are supposed to do. Our competitive nature is important to contain because it affects how we spend our money, how we love, whether we can simplify our lives, how we practice our faith, and much more.
As young girls, we learn that competition is good. Being competitive professionally can be good, as long as healthy boundaries are maintained. But when it comes to being competitive in relationships as mothers, we always lose. Always.
Three ways to cut out competitionCompetition is a powerful force, and it has the potential to destroy. But once it’s confronted and brought out in the open, it can be surprisingly easily overcome. Jealousy between mothers, especially, is ugly stuff and there is no place for it. But most of us harbor it to one degree or another because we are women who want life to go well, and when we think we see someone else get everything so easily, we want what she has. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
There are twinges of irritation, anger, and annoyance, as well as a desire to gossip, backstab, or criticize, when we first feel jealousy. The tricky part is that we don’t identify them as jealousy, so that’s why we must be on the ball. Once we see that jealousy is at the root of the feelings, then we know that we are already competing with another mom. Only when we see this dynamic can we begin to stop it.
Competitive mothers have many things in common and one of the most glaring is an intentional focusing on what they don’t have rather than the great things they do have. And so much of what competitiveness prompts us to focus on is silly, if not outright ridiculous. I have seen mothers with fabulous children and kind husbands bemoan the size of their homes, their figures, or their lack of nicer clothes.
When you find yourself bemoaning something small, or even something larger like your health or job, make a deliberate effort to refocus on what you have. Write down what you are grateful for. Look at it in black and white and if you do this small exercise consistently, your thinking will change. Feeling competitive with other moms will fade away over time. And positive thought patterns will become more routine, more second nature.
I have never met a mother who has done this exercise and not felt more positive about life. So regardless of your attitude, focus on what you have, not what you don’t have. Do this for three to four weeks and wait to see what happens to your mood.
That’s why we have another option. We can act on their behalf. We can do well by that person. And sometimes this works to improve their love, our lives, and our relationship with them even more powerfully than simply praising them. Words can be cheaper than actions, though not necessarily less sincere.
Being kind to loved ones is easy, and it makes us feel good because when they are happier, we feel happier. Helping good friends and loved ones can be a bit self-serving because we usually reap great rewards for our kindness toward them. Either we directly benefit from it, or they return the favor. But the real test comes when we reach out on behalf of those we don’t really like. And most often we don’t really like the mothers of whom we’re jealous. So if we want to get rid of our jealousy, the best way to shovel out the root of the feelings is to find something very nice to do for the other mother.
In the end, we need to remember that everything we need comes from God. Once we do this, we can be content knowing that who we are and what we have is plenty enough. If we can recognize our value as mothers and treasure everything we do have in our lives, we are complete and can enjoy other mothers for who they are. We can let friendships thrive and let real joy enter our lives.
Dr. Meg Meeker
Pediatrician and Best-Selling Author
Pediatrician, mother and best-selling author of six books, Dr. Meg Meeker is the country’s leading authority on parenting, teens and children’s health.
Dr. Meg writes with the know-how of a pediatrician and the big heart of a mother because she has spent the last 25 years practicing pediatric and adolescent medicine while also helping parents and teens to communicate more deeply about difficult topics such as sex, STDs and teen pregnancy. Her work with countless families over the years served as the inspiration behind her new groundbreaking book, The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers, Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity out from Ballantine Books.
Dr. Meg’s popularity as a speaker on key issues confronting American families has created a strong following on her blogs for Psychology Today. She has also spoken nationally on teen health issues, including personal appearances on numerous nationally syndicated radio and television programs including, The Today Show, CNN American Morning, Dateline with Katie Couric, The O’Reilly Factor, Oprah and Friends, 60 Minutes, Dr. Laura, The 700 Club and Fox and Friends, Heartland with John Kasick, Dave Ramsey, Teresa Tomeo’s Catholic Connection, NPR, Michael Medved. Additionally, Dr. Meg lends her voice to regular features in Physician Magazine and Psychologies (UK) and was a contributor to QUESTIONS KIDS ASK ABOUT SEX: Honest Answers for Every Age, The Complete Book of Baby and Child Care (Tyndale House Publishers) and High School Science text, Holt-Rhinehart and Winston, 2004.
Dr. Meg is board certified by the American Board of Pediatrics and is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics as well as the National Advisory Board of the Medical Institute, Clinical Assistant Professor, Department of Pediatrics and Human Development at Michigan State University; Munson Hospital Family Practice Residency Training Program 1998-present.
Dr. Meeker lives and works in Traverse City, MI where she shares a medical practice with her husband, Walter. They have four grown children.
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/essentials/mothers/motherhood-is-not-a-competition
Sex And Pregnancy
Sex And Pregnancy
By Connie Matthiessen and Melanie Haiken
Don't let pregnancy put a damper on an intimate life with your partner. Many parents-to-be fear that intercourse could trigger a miscarriage or somehow harm the baby. But unless you have a high-risk pregnancy, you don't have to worry: Sex poses no danger to either the mother or the child.
To answer some questions you may be too embarrassed to ask, no, your partner's penis does not have any contact with the developing fetus, nor will bacteria or semen penetrate the uterus. Orgasms, with or without sexual penetration, can cause contractions, but they should not trigger premature birth or miscarriage during the course of a normal pregnancy. Your baby is well protected in the bath of amniotic fluid and by the insulation your abdomen provides.
What about sex during a high-risk pregnancy?
Some women do have high-risk pregnancies and are advised to abstain from sex for some or all of their pregnancy. Your physician or midwife should let you know if you fall into that category, but if you have any doubts or questions, don't hesitate to double check.
If you've had preterm labor or given birth preterm, if you have had an infection, bleeding, a broken or leaking amniotic sac, more than one miscarriage, or a condition known as low-lying placenta (placenta previa), you are likely to be advised to avoid or limit certain sexual activities. If your doctor knows you are carrying twins or multiples, he or she may advise you to stop having intercourse a few weeks earlier than if you were carrying a single baby.
Are some positions safer than others?
Talk with your practitioner about what sexual positions are safest as your pregnancy progresses. For example, after the fourth or fifth month, a pregnant woman shouldn't lie flat on her back during sex, because it could put too much pressure on major blood vessels that supply the fetus and may cause lightheadedness or nausea for the mother. There is no problem with the woman being on top of her partner, however, or on her side.
During different points in your pregnancy, you may find that some positions are more enjoyable than others are. Tune in to your body, and only do what feels comfortable.
Here are some positions that may feel more comfortable:
- Both lying sideways. Known as spooning when you both face the same way in bed, this position takes the weight off you and leaves your partner free to maneuver without your belly between you. You can also face each other lying sideways as well.
- Partner behind you. This position not only leaves your partner free to maneuver, but it takes the weight and pressure off you as well.
Common concerns about sex during pregnancy
Other issues besides the safety of the baby may keep a couple from having sex. Some parents worry about disturbing or scaring their unborn child, as if the developing baby is paying rapt attention during moments of intimacy. In reality, the baby isn't thinking about much and is safely insulated, so don't worry -- he won't be alarmed by your lovemaking.
An expectant mother may fear that her swelling belly makes her less attractive, or she may not want her husband to touch her tender breasts. Pregnancy hormones make some women lose interest in sex, while others may find that their sex drive increases. At different points in your pregnancy, extreme fatigue, nausea, and other discomforts may make the very thought of sex unappealing.
Concerns like these are common. Pregnancy is an exciting, frightening time that triggers a range of emotions, positive and negative -- emotions that are exacerbated by raging hormones. It is a time of fundamental change in the life you and your partner have known together. Of course, it is also a joyous time, but even positive changes can put pressure on a relationship. Most couples agree that having a child challenges their relationship in ways it has never been challenged before.
Is it normal to have cramps after having sex?
Yes, many women find they have cramps after sex, particularly after an intense orgasm. This is due to hormones in semen and contractions of pelvic muscles. Similarly, because the cervix is engorged and well-supplied with blood in pregnancy, you may see a spot or two of blood after having sex.
Any time you cramp and bleed call your practitioner -- though chances are your body just needs a bit of time to settle down. Also, it's common to notice your baby moving around more after intercourse.
Creating sexual intimacy during pregnancy
The best way for you and your partner to weather those changes and prepare for the challenges ahead is to stay in touch with each other, and one way to do that is to talk gently but honestly with one another about your love life.
If you have fears or insecurities, share them with your partner and ask about his. For example, if you are afraid that your changing body makes you less attractive, you may find it reassuring if your partner initiates sex. At the same time, he may be afraid that sex could be painful for you and feels he should wait for you to make the first move. The only way you will know is by talking frankly and openly together.
If your breasts are sensitive, tell your partner. Show him or her what feels good, and experiment with different positions. Be sure to check in with him about his needs and desires. If you don't feel like having intercourse, find other ways to maintain your physical connection. Foreplay, massage, and cuddling will help you stay close -- even if they don't progress to intercourse. Pregnancy can be an opportunity for both of you to get creative.
Above all, try to avoid seeing sex as a chore or allowing it to become a point of contention between you. Nurture the emotional and physical connection you have with your partner. Most couples resume having regular sex during the first year of their child's life.
Finally, do your best to put aside worries about your pregnancy so that you can participate fully in the wonderful experience of pregnancy with your partner. In the end, sexual intimacy can strengthen the bonds between you and your partner, which is one of the most important gifts you can give your unborn child.
References
March of Dimes. Sex During Pregnancy. March 2009http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/159_516.asp
Mayo Clinic. Sex during pregnancy: Whats OK Whats Not. June 12, 2010. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sex-during-pregnancy/HO00140
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Frequently Asked Questions About Having a Baby in the 21st Century. http://www.acog.org/from_home/publications/press_releases/nr12-12-01-4.cfm
Merck Manual. Placenta Previa. http://www.merck.com/mrkshared/mmanual/section18/chapter252/252f.jsp
Merck Manual. Physical Changes. http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec22/ch257/ch257d.html
University of California-San Francisco Medical Center. Sex During Pregnancy. http://www.ucsfhealth.org/childrens/medical_services/preg/care/pregSex.html
American Pregnancy Association. Bleeding During Pregnancy. May 2005. http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/bleedingduringpreg.html
University of Pennsylvania Health System. Sex During Pregnancy. http://www.pennhealth.com/obgyn/news/05spr/sex.html
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