Silver and Gold

A few months ago a reader wrote to tell me how devastated she’d been by the breakup of her marriage. One day her husband simply told her he no longer loved her and wasn’t interested in working things out. The marriage was ended.

At times her pain was physical. She felt as though she were having a heart attack. But through the pain and chaos, she refused to doubt God, telling him she knew he was faithful and good. During the months that followed, this heartbroken woman kept seeking him, yielding her life again and again.
Now a year later, after living through what she describes as the darkest time of her life, she speaks about healing and a new freedom to love God that she never imagined possible. Her hope is palpable as she tells of her confidence that the best is yet to come.

How Normal is Your Marriage Really?

Can't help but wonder if your union is keeping up with the Joneses'? Check out these marriage stats from The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship.

By Gena Kaufman

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Is it normal that…I'm not completely honest with him?
Within limits, a few secrets — and even lies — between couples are generally harmless. If you've ever fibbed about those shoes being new ("I've had these forever, I just don't wear them often!") or neglected to tell him that your mom thinks he's a total slob, you're not alone. In America, 43 percent of men and one-third of women have kept major secrets from their partners and approximately three-quarters of people have lied — including those who consider themselves part of a happy couple. As long as you don't take it to extremes — like failing to reveal credit card debt or the fact that you have a monthly lunch-date with your ex — lies that keep the peace and protect feelings are normal.

Why So Many Women Yearn to Be Wives

Despite the fact that it's the twenty-first century and women can earn their own money, go to a sperm bank to have a child and lead a satisfying social life without a man, the role of wife remains compelling.

Young women are more self-assured than ever, not necessarily in search of a boyfriend and comfortable focusing on their own goals. They know that sex can be a sport and men can be adjunct, perhaps fungible. Yet what I've found is that at a certain point for these women, usually by their mid to late-twenties, being engaged and getting married becomes important.

If Shared Housework Brings About Divorce, You Need To Pick Better

by Laura Donovan

If you’re a lifelong clean freak like me, you believe that your living space can never remain immaculate for too long — and that you prefer to clean things your way. That could help explain the fact that couples who share housework are more likely to split up, according to new research, and prompt partners to only have one person fulfill such duties.

The research, which was compiled into a study titled “Equality in the Home,” reveals that the divorce rate is higher among couples who divide household chores than among those where the lady takes care of pretty much everything.

The Secrets to Winning Back Lost Love

Posted by Elliot 

Moving on after a breakup is never as easy as your friends make it sound. Just as true love takes time to blossom; it also takes time to fade away. But the lingering emotions felt on both sides are not always a bad thing. They can buy you time to win back your lost love.

If you’re not ready to give up on your relationships then the time to act is now. Couples across the world get back together every day. The key is doing your part to make your ex WANT you back. Here are the steps to making that happen…

Step Back Before Moving ForwardThe biggest mistake people make after getting dumped is pursuing an ex too aggressively. The best thing you can do now is give them some space. Remember, they had a reason for leaving you behind and asking them to take you back right away makes everyone look bad. Use this time to get control of your emotions so you can make a good impression.

Why boys don’t know how to break up

By Olivia Yao, Three Moons | Yahoo! SHE 


Have you heard the horror stories about boys breaking up with their girlfriends through text, e-mail, fax (maybe in the olden days), or via someone else relaying the message? There are more versions I’m sure, but you get the picture. Then there are those boys who are able to gather the courage to tell you to your face but give you classic lines like, “It’s not me, it’s you,” or “I’m just really confused,” or “I’m going through a really bad time/phase/mental illness (if he’s truly desperate).”

It will just save everyone time, heartache, and frustration if your man (ex-man?) just manned up and admitted what he was really feeling: that he doesn’t love you anymore. Well, that’s not exactly how guys are programmed.

Avoiding the tears

Herald Cruz, certified life coach and head of the parenting cluster of the Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) of the Ateneo de Manila University says it is difficult for men to break up face to face or to say that they don’t love you anymore because they struggle when it comes to being vulnerable. They would rather get out of a relationship the way you would rip off a band-aid—fast and painless—so they don’t have to deal with the emotions, theirs or the girl’s.

“Actually, an ideal way to break up with a girl is to just text her so you don’t have to hear her screaming at you,” says 29-year-old Tom (his name has been changed to protect him from the wrath the women in his life will unleash upon him once they read this article). “In the end, she’s going to hate you either way, so why not just avoid the confrontation? If you text her, she can scream and rant on her own. If she calls you, you can choose not to answer or to put the phone down if you don’t like what you’re hearing. You can’t do that in person.”

The exception?

Since Tom admits there’s really no nice way of breaking up without the girl wanting to string them up from the nearest tree, most guys would rather choose a way that’s the least stressful for them. However, he adds, “If your girlfriend is really nice, but you just feel she isn’t the one for you, then she should be given the opportunity to scream and rant at you in person. But if she was horrible to you during your relationship, then what’s the point of breaking up nicely?”

It’s also possible, though, that if he does break up with you in person because he thinks you’re such a nice girl, he won’t be able to bring himself to tell you the truth. Thus all those “It’s not you, it’s me” lines. Melissa Pizaña-Cruz, Cruz’s wife of 18 years, certified life coach and head of the parenting cluster of the Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) of the Ateneo de Manila University, says, “They can’t seem to hurt the girl, not knowing that by not talking to her, they hurt her more.”

The male psyche

Cruz explains, “I think men have been raised not to be emotional and not to be totally honest about their emotions. Anger, they are allowed to express, but they struggle with expressing this other kind of emotion.”

So even if women will never accept or even tolerate this kind of behavior, at least we know where it’s coming from and why mature and intelligent guys are reduced to this when it comes to breaking our hearts. Oh well.

Olivia Yao has been writing ever since she can remember. She has written for health, teen, parenting, and children's magazines. Her latest endeavor is being a mom to her three-year-old daughter—her toughest assignment yet. Swap stories with her at threeolivias@yahoo.com.

For counseling and other inquiries, contact: Center for Family Ministries (CeFaM)
Spiritual Pastoral Center
Ateneo de Manila University Campus
Loyola Heights, Quezon City

Telefax: 426-4285
Telephone: 426-4289 up to 92
 E-mail: cefam@admu.edu.ph

http://ph.she.yahoo.com/why-boys-don’t-know-how-to-break-up.html

Ex-Rated: Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?

By Caitlin Hardgrove

Break ups. Ugh. Never clean, rarely final, and always emotionally draining. Just reading the word alone is upsetting. But sometimes the hardest part of the split isn’t the actual break up, it’s that little, nagging voice in your head saying, Wait...was that a mistake?

We consulted therapist and relationship expert, Dr. Tom Arbaugh from Staunton, VA, and the Outreach and Consultation Specialist at JMU’s Counseling and Student Development Center, Dr. Celeste Thomas, to help make sense of one of the most confusing and exhausting post-break up dilemmas known to woman: The Ex-Boyfriend Deliberation. Do you get back together with him? Do you move on for good? What do you do?!

Read on to figure out which kind of Ex you’re dealing with, and, well, how to deal.

The Cheater
Including country divas Kellie Pickler and Carrie Underwood, some people have extremely strong views on this complex ex-boyfriend profile. If you, too, believe that “a cheater is always a cheater,” you might agree that this is an irreversible deal-breaker. However, not every girl feels that a second chance is out of the question.

“Sometimes there’s so much past with someone you’ve been with for a long time, that it can be hard just to walk away…” says JMU junior, Kaitlyn Burrows.

Dr. Arbaugh says, “What really has to be asked is ‘What is my role in his cheating?’” This can be a difficult and painful question to ask ourselves as the “victim”, but he believes that it is necessary to figure out what went wrong, and whether or not that second chance is a good idea. “Of course we always feel that the cheater is the ‘scumbag’, but we always forget that there are two people in a relationship,” he explains.

Dr. Thomas agrees that finding out “the why” is very important, including if there’s any family history of infidelity. “Negative patterns usually repeat,” she explains.

So, what’s the final verdict on the Cheater Ex-Boyfriend? Dr. Thomas says you should base your decision off of whether or not that “why” question can be resolved. “If the reason is some sort of internal problem and they’re not able to resolve the issue – like they only cheat when they’re drunk but won’t give up alcohol – chances are they’ll cheat again,” she says. So consider giving him a second chance if you’ve figured out why it happened, and why you’re both confident it won’t ever happen again.

The First Love
Oh, the First Love syndrome. Everyone remembers that first guy they really fell hard for – which is exactly why going through this break up can be so hard to move on from. When he’s the first one you’ve ever really had to get over, forgetting about him can be extremely difficult.

Alana Massey, a junior at JMU, agrees. “You put your first love on such a pedestal, that every ‘love’ after it will never be as great. And it’s not that the ones after that aren’t as good, it’s just that they’re not…a ‘first’.”

This is where some crucial self-reflection time comes in. Do you miss him because everyone else you’ve dated after him has been so different? Or do you miss him because no one else after him has even compared?

If you’re not sure, Dr. Arbaugh has some advice to help. “Many times just getting a good distance (emotionally, if not physically) from a guy is the most helpful part of successfully breaking up…then she can know what she actually wanted from that relationship.”

Michelle Clements, a senior at Moore College of Art  & Design, had more than a “good distance” between her and her current boyfriend before they got together.

“I met Wouter in 2005 when I was in Belgium, but I had a boyfriend at the time and he was in the process of breaking up with his girlfriend, so it was kind of awkward timing,” she says.

Even after they both became single, Clements felt that starting a relationship with someone on the other side of the world seemed unrealistic. They stayed in touch by sending packages to each other and talking online, but continued dating other people. “I still felt like, ‘This is perfect, but it can’t happen now. We have to do our own thing until we can be together,’” says Clements. Turns out, she was right.

Three whole years later, after meeting back up with Wouter in Amsterdam while she was on a study tour, Clements realized that they had something too good to pass up. They decided to be together, and thanks to some overseas internships and well-spent Christmas breaks, they have had success with their long-distance relationship ever since.

Verdict? Dr. Thomas says give another chance to the First Love Ex if: “You’ve had a clean break and looked at what went wrong to cause of the break up, and both people are willing to make appropriate changes.”

The Light Switch
Otherwise known as the “On and Off” relationship, this can make for a very damaging and confusing (ex) boyfriend profile. As if it isn’t hard enough to move on once, the people involved in this type of relationship often go back-and-forth multiple times between being together and being separated.

“On-and-off relationships aren’t for everybody. You definitely have to have a really tough skin,” Burrows explains. “Because your relationship is literally ‘on-and-off’, there are going to be periods of time where one of you is dating somebody else or hooking up with somebody.”

If it is so difficult to carry on, why is it such a common relationship habit to get into? “People often get back with an ex because it is easier to have a terrible relationship with someone you know than it is to start over,” says Dr. Arbaugh.

Massey can relate to this ex-boyfriend profile. “Our relationship is just a game where he sucks me back in. He texted me a few days ago and said he’s ‘miserable without me,’ but I went on his Facebook and saw he had sent a message to another girl asking her to dinner,” said Massey. “I want him to change, but I don’t think he will.”

As hard as it is, these are the type of realizations you need to keep telling yourself if you’re stuck in an on-and-off relationship. “Learn something about yourself, address that, and begin working on a new relationship,” says Dr. Arbaugh.

If it’s still the Light Switch Ex that you want to start a new relationship with, here’s the final verdict according to Dr. Thomas: “When you keep saying changes are going to happen and change doesn’t happen, or when you’re stuck because it’s comfortable, time to go.” Use those guidelines to gauge if it’s why you’re stuck in the cycle, and make moves from there.

The One Your Parents Hate
Here’s one last profile that may be causing internal strife when making the Ex-Boyfriend Deliberation: The One Your Parents Hate. Not only could this potentially ruin the chances of ever getting back with the guy, but it could also do some permanent damage to the relationship you have with your parents – and nobody wants that

So what do you do? Dr. Arbaugh says he’d find out the following first: “Why do the parents hate him? Do they hate every boy she dates?” He explains that sometimes it might be an issue unrelated to the relationship, like the parents thinking that no one will ever be good enough for their daughter.

Making the decision for this one can get kind of tricky, considering all your parents want is what’s best for you. “You need to really look outside yourself,” says Dr. Thomas. “You’ve respected their opinions your whole life, what is different about this?” Analyze if the reason why they don’t want you to get back with him is because it actually is what’s best for you.

Final Verdict: “If her parents usually like the guys that she dates, but hate this one and can present good reasons why they hate this one, then it really could (and maybe should) be a deal breaker,” he says. However, don’t be afraid to fight for their approval if it’s something you feel strongly about or if their reasons for hating him aren’t justified – because they also just want to see you happy, and they might eventually come around.

Use Your Head
To sum up all four of the sticky situations listed above, Dr. Arbaugh has one simple piece of advice: “You have to really look at why you broke up, what the characteristics are that you’re really seeking, and if this person has these characteristics."

If you take the time to figure out what it is you should be getting from a relationship with an “old flame”, you’ll be well on your way to figuring out whether you’re ready to strike another match, or snuff it out for good.

Sources:
Dr. Thomas Arbaugh, Counselor/Therapist, Ph.D.
Celeste R. Thomas, M.S., Ph.D. Outreach and Consultation Specialist Coordinator, Peer Mentor Program
Kaitlyn Burrows, JMU junior
Alana Massey, JMU junior
Michelle Clements, Moore College of Art & Design senior

http://www.hercampus.com/love/ex-rated-should-you-get-back-together-your-ex