Humbly and wisely step back and take a quick journey through Female 101. No magic buttons exist that will instantly turn your wife on and transform your sex life. However, these seven keys can have amazing results, if you are willing to get into your wife's reality and quit believing she will ever think or behave or feel like you.
1. Women are much more complex sexually than men. Physically, men respond very well to their wives' Plan A: Show up and initiate physical loveplay. But to make love to your wife, you need Plans A, B, C, D and E.
One night, loveplay will create arousal with a lot of fun. The next night the same physical loveplay will be irritating and too sensitive, hence the need for plan B or E. Great lovers know how to be quick on their feet and slide smoothly into another plan without pouting or shutting down.
I wish that were all. While you are finding Plan C for creating enjoyable physical stimulation on a given evening, you smack your head into other complexities. Your arousal is fairly predictable and often too quick. Your wife isn't built that way.
Women need time to get beyond distractions and be fully present in lovemaking. Throw into the mix the relational and emotional complexities she tunes into, and you don't have to have a Ph.D. to know men are really wired differently than women and are usually a whole lot simpler.
2. Wives need emotional connection to respond physically. How curious that men and women jump to false conclusions because they think each other operates from the same sexual reality.
Wives often think all men want is sex, when their husbands actually are trying to connect with them emotionally through sexual activity. Men can wonder why what arouses them won't work on their wives--often wishing women would respond like men. We can graph it like this:
Men: Physical activity*connects the heart*opens the door to emotional bonding.
Women: Emotional bonding*connects the heart*opens the door for physical activity.
After you have been neglectful or hurtful, your wife doesn't want to make up by having sex. She needs to feel your love and attention so she can once again feel like making love.
In a study of more than 2,000 Christian women, when women were asked what they liked most about sex, the vast majority valued physical closeness, emotional closeness or time spent together much more than the physical release of sex. Women want to feel emotionally connected or the lovemaking won't usually follow.
3. Women are more easily distracted and prone to interrupted desire. Women multitask better than men do, while men focus in on the task at hand. Husbands can falsely assume that their wives don't like sex when in reality they struggle focusing.
Women's minds and feelings fire off in a variety of directions. Sex is never a simple, "Let's go enjoy each other." The environment and their inner attitudes automatically affect lovemaking.
Women are more easily distracted and the mood can be broken. Saying things such as, "The kids probably won't wake up for another 20 minutes" won't reassure her or promising to pick up the bedroom after you make love won't help her focus.
The wise husband minimizes distractions. He makes sure the phone calls have been made, the children are sound asleep and the laundry is folded. He begins to help his wife focus in on lovemaking by starting foreplay with physical affection before he heads for the bedroom.
Great lovers also recognize and attempt to control another huge block to desire: fatigue. Be sensitive to her lack of energy, and schedule lovemaking at rested moments or provide breaks for her to become restored.
This may be one of the biggest differences between most men and most women: for men, sex easily overshadows exhaustion. For women, exhaustion overshadows any desire for sex. She doesn't hate sex; the distraction of genuinely being tired is interfering with her ability to respond.
4. Women respond with receptive desire. Husbands so often buy into the myth of the beer commercials: Really sexy women always want sex and go around jumping men.
Studies show that women think about sex less often, are indeed more easily distracted and often are not as hormonally driven to desire sexual activity. However, most wives do enjoy their sexual feelings, want to be close to their husbands and want to deepen their relationship through lovemaking.
Studies are showing that women have more of a "receptive" desire (open to initiation, responding to loving and direct approaches) than an "assertive" desire (thinking actively about sex, initiating activity). A skilled husband understands this and knows that his wife probably won't think about sex all day without the loving note he composed that morning.
A typical scenario can be the woman feeling really tired on a Friday evening, with sex the furthest thing from her mind. Her husband has been nice the last few days, taking her out for a nice dinner. His sexual initiation later that night creates in her mind, Wow, I never thought about sex but that would be a nice way to end the evening.
Wives can sometimes desire their husbands to sweep them up into creative, passionate lovemaking. THIS DOES NOT mean women want to be pushed into sexual activity. The romantic scene in their minds involves husbands who are skilled, romantically assertive and deeply attracted to their femininity.
5. Women fantasize in 3-D. Guys, when your wife steps out of the shower, do you zoom in on her soul/heart and notice that she is tired, relaxed or happy? Do your fantasies about her include ambience, and the way you felt so connected and in love?
Your wife fantasizes in all three dimensions of your total person: body, soul and spirit. Her erotic mental imagery feeds off of you, the relationship and her feelings in marvelous ways, contributing to her choices sexually. A good lover understands his wife's method of thinking, as he enhances her desire and enjoyment of lovemaking.
Her mental images about your body probably don't often include crucial parts of your male anatomy. She remembers such things as your hygiene, your hands that lovingly touch her, your tone of voice that expresses caring and your smile that lights her up.
Your ability to express feelings and to attend to her with surprises and thoughtfulness makes her want to give herself to you. She responds to that spiritual part of you that longs for completion and is committed to her.
6. Wives enjoy nurturing sex but resent duty sex. Husbands often complain that their wives don't really want sex but passively comply. Men, learn the difference between "duty" or "pity" sex and "nurturing" lovemaking.
Duty sex fulfills an obligation motivated out of guilt or a "wifely requirement" when the husband is getting pushy. Pity sex gives the mate sexual release because he is needy, or frustrated, and it's been awhile.
Nurturing sex, on the other hand, is a wife being able to say "no" and yet saying "yes" with a desire to connect with her husband. Remember that when you are pushy or pouting so she can't say "no," then it will be impossible for her to lovingly say "yes."
7. A woman's sexiness is empowered by her dad and husband. A young girl grows into her femininity as her father is able to make affirming statements such as, "You are such a beautiful woman, and I am so proud of the person you are becoming."
These kinds of affirmations launch her into the world of boys and dating with feelings of self-confidence. She makes sure that other guys value and respect her just like her dad does. Sadly, many girls do not have dads who can do this launching and the importance of their husbands' roles then increase.
Women have what can be called an "alluring" desire for their husbands. This is when they realize that their feminine beauty and bodies have great appeal to their husbands, and they are empowered to want to turn them on. Many husbands don't realize that they are the one who can get this ball rolling.
Guys, as you compliment your wives and never obsessively focus in on flaws--as you build their sexiness up--they will respond in neat ways. You can help create their feminine power that can result in great lovemaking. Your affirmation can help her tune into her own sexuality and turn nurturing sex into passionate connection.
Men, if we desire to be the world's greatest lovers with the most intimate and passionate sex lives ever, we will have to be smart. Work with who your wife is, not what you wish she could be. Become a sensitive, skilled and wise lover who knows how to turn your wife on because you understand women, and particularly your woman.
Doug Rosenau is a marriage and sex therapist in Atlanta, author of A Celebration of Sex and co-founder of Sexual Wholeness.com, which teaches biblical sexuality.
Debra Taylor is a marriage and sex therapist in California, co-author of Secrets of Eve and a co-founder of Sexual Wholeness.
The Five Romantic Needs of a Woman
A great lover must be committed to satisfying his wife’s unique needs.
by Dennis Rainey
I’m sure it comes as no shock, but men and women think of romance differently.
When asked to describe the purpose of romance, a woman will use words such as friendship, relationship, endearment, and tenderness. Given the same question, a man will answer with one of the shortest words in the English language—sex. For him, physical oneness and affirmation of his manhood equal romance.
Can two people with such different perspectives have their expectations met? Absolutely! But creating adventurous romance requires planning and enthusiastic effort. The relationship has to be a top priority. One reason so many marriage beds are frozen over or boring is that couples just don’t have time for romance and sex. Too many husbands and wives try to work sex in between the evening news and the top ten list on the David Letterman Show.
Let’s face it. Many of our activities and other important things get the best of our resources and energy. Jobs get our best. Children get our best. Church work gets our best. But are we saving any of our best for romance in marriage?
When we had children at home, Barbara and I worked hard to save some of our best for each other. Our children learned over the years that Mom and Dad often like to have quiet evenings alone. When the children were younger, we occasionally turned the kitchen into a famous big-time restaurant called the Rainey Rainbow Room and let each child order a special meal from a special menu. Barbara and I served as chef and waiter, and the kids had a great time learning a little bit about how to eat out.
Later in the evening, they knew they were to go to their rooms and stay there, not coming out for anything except bathroom runs. At 8 p.m., Barbara and I turned our bedroom into our own romantic cafe, complete with a small table, candles, and flowers (when I remembered to pick them up). There we would eat, talk, and relax. As we communicated, we were reminded of what attracted us to each other, and romance had an opportunity to ignite. We didn’t have to worry about a baby-sitter and didn’t have to leave the house to get away alone.
To make anything like this work, you must schedule it and then take the time to follow through. If I have learned anything in marriage, it is that romance, our relationship, and sex take time. And they deserve our best.
I have spent the better part of my marriage learning and adjusting this summary of a woman’s romantic needs. The list was developed through much observation and conversation with Barbara and other women. I also have learned a great amount from the best book ever written on romance, passion, and sex—the Song of Songs in the Old Testament. Obviously, a woman has more than five romantic needs, but I consider these to be the top five:
Romantic Need #1: To Be Spiritually Ministered to by Her Man
Are you surprised that something to do with candy and flowers isn’t number one? A woman wants a man eager to be her protector, someone who cares not just about her security and physical needs but also (and even more importantly) about her spirituality, the well-being of her very soul.
A husband can be a spiritual protector and advocate for his wife by praying with and for her daily, putting his arms around her, and saying, “I want to ask God to bless you. I want to take any needs you have in your life right now to the Lord. And I’m going to pray for you throughout this day.” A wise husband takes the lead in sharing Scripture and eagerly initiating conversation on spiritual issues.
A husband can contribute to his wife’s spiritual well-being by giving her some time to pursue her spiritual growth. For example, he might watch their child while she attends an evening Bible study.
I suggest that every young husband who wants to better understand his wife and his job description should read my friend and colleague Bob Lepine’s book The Christian Husband.
Romantic Need #2: To Feel Safe and Secure with Her Husband
A woman needs to feel her husband’s covenantal commitment to stay married and to love her and accept her. Then she feels safe to give him the gift of who she is in the marriage relationship. The Shulammite woman, who was the object of Solomon’s passion, said, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song 6:3). She obviously had a strong sense of contentment and security.
A wife needs to know that romantic intimacy is just between her and her husband, that he will not share any personal details with his friends. She should not feel pressured or fearful, experiencing the love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).
According to something I read recently, the typical couple spends only four minutes a day in meaningful conversation with each other. A lot of us husbands don’t realize that for our wives to consider us romantic, we first of all have to be a great friend and a conversationalist.
Grunts and one-word answers to questions just don’t cut it! Too many women don’t feel that their husbands really need them, and bare-bones conversation confirms their sense of low personal value. Many men who were accomplished at romantic, deep conversation during courtship seem to lose this talent later. You can rediscover the groove! Make a commitment to learn to make intimate conversation a priority with your wife. You need to talk and fill her in on the details of your life—not just facts, but feelings.
When a husband sincerely shows his desire for conversation and a deepening relationship—emotional intimacy—he will find that his wife is much more interested in sexual intimacy. Her dreams, hopes, desires, and disappointments then are not divorced from the marriage bed but are a part of it.
Romantic Need #4: To receive a Tender Touch and Hear Gentle Words
Before marriage, two people in love can hardly keep their hands off each other because they find the touch of their beloved thrilling. What happens after the wedding? Some couples married for a while would find a firm handshake a wildly intimate encounter. This should not be the case in a marriage. There is great power in tender touch, even if it’s just a long, full-body hug or a lingering kiss. Or the touch may be a gentle caress of her face that has no motive to make sexual demands but communicates, “I love you, Sweetheart, and I care for you tenderly.”
Gentle words have similar power. I have made a partial list of some things that I think any husband could use in complimenting and praising his wife: charm; femininity; faithfulness to God, you, your children; hard work; beauty; personality; her love, including her receptivity and responsiveness to you as a man; her advice and counsel; character; desirability; friendship and—that’s just a start. What wife won’t respond to a husband who praises her regularly with gentle words for all these qualities?
Romantic Need #5: To Be Pursued and Set Apart by Her Man
A wife wants a husband who will swoop her off her feet, carry her away to the castle, and say, “Let’s spend time together.” Focused attention is like precious gold in a relationship.
One time Barbara and I had a little unresolved argument over a weekend. A couple of days later we went on our customary weekly date. We finally had the time and environment to fully discuss and resolve our differences. It was just several hours away from phones, papers and bills, and the needs of our children. Your wife craves this focused attention from you.
A Great Lover
One of my favorite stories is of an interview with one of Hollywood's biggest male stars, a man known for his prowess with the opposite sex. At one point he was asked, “What makes a great lover?”
“Two things,” he replied. “First of all, it is a man who can satisfy one woman over a lifetime. And it is a man who can be satisfied with one woman for a lifetime.”
That was a great answer! To build a strong marriage where you and your wife are experiencing oneness, you must be committed to satisfying her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I hope you both enjoy a lifetime of satisfaction!
Taken from Starting Your Marriage Right © 2000 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.
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