WHAT'S OK? WHAT'S NOT?

Paul & Lori Byerly

We are often asked questions like "Is oral sex OK?" or "My husband wants to make a video of us in the bedroom. Is this a sin?" The reason we get so many of these questions probably has something to do with the fact that the Bible does not specifically speak to everything that a couple can do sexually. Many couples don’t talk about these things, and it’s not uncommon for both husband and wife to want to try something new, but each is afraid the other will be upset or offended. Our aim here is to provide a way for a couple to discuss these issues.

Where scripture is silent, we must look at Biblical principles to build outlines for what is, and is not, good for our marriage bed.

Is Watching Porn Okay?

By Cory Silverberg, About.com GuideAbout.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board

Question: Is Watching Porn Okay?

"My boyfriend really likes to watch porn. I wouldn’t say he’s addicted or anything, and he wants us to watch together, but I’m not into it. We have a good sex life otherwise, and I want to figure out a way to make this okay, but some of my friends say that it’s not normal to watch porn when you’ve got a girlfriend, and even if it is, I don’t know how I can get into it."

Answer:
This is a very common question and concern. Let’s start by dispelling a major porn myth; there is absolutely nothing “unhealthy” or abnormal with watching porn in and of itself. As long as we’re talking about legal adult movies, and as long as everyone who is watching is consenting, there is nothing inherent in pornography that makes it bad. That doesn’t mean that people do use porn in unhealthy ways, watching too much of it or becoming obsessive about it. But people do this with drugs, work, even sports, and we don’t consider those things “evil” (well, some of us do I guess).

How Normal is Your Marriage Really?

Can't help but wonder if your union is keeping up with the Joneses'? Check out these marriage stats from The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship.

By Gena Kaufman

Next

Getty Images

Is it normal that…I'm not completely honest with him?
Within limits, a few secrets — and even lies — between couples are generally harmless. If you've ever fibbed about those shoes being new ("I've had these forever, I just don't wear them often!") or neglected to tell him that your mom thinks he's a total slob, you're not alone. In America, 43 percent of men and one-third of women have kept major secrets from their partners and approximately three-quarters of people have lied — including those who consider themselves part of a happy couple. As long as you don't take it to extremes — like failing to reveal credit card debt or the fact that you have a monthly lunch-date with your ex — lies that keep the peace and protect feelings are normal.

DO YOU PAY FOR PORN?

Every part of my sexual life philosophy until this point has hinged on one fundamental belief: that as a woman, getting laid will always be super easy, which means I shouldn't have to spend any time, effort or money making it happen.

Emily

So, the other day I was FINALLY trying out this Minna Ola vibe sent to me by Babeland approximately a million years ago. I know it sounds crazy, but it's hard to find the time to masturbate when you're a busy career woman who DVRs at least 10 shows.

Anyway, I was holding this purple squeezey-dobber against my clit, mentally twiddling my thumbs, when it occured to me that maybe I would have more success with vibrators if I wasn't relying on a decades-old mash-up of random sexual encounters played on a skittering loop.

Suddenly, I remembered that porn exists!

Why Porn Can Be Good For You (And Society)

Easy access to porn is blamed for everything from a decrease in male desire to poor body image in women. But are there social upsides?

  

A 2006 New York magazine story by Naomi Wolf warned that pornography is so seriously turning men off to real women that now, six years later, you’d think it’s a miracle there are any children in first grade. 

Porn has always had plenty of detractors, but since the web has brought it into our homes on demand, a multitude of 21st-century criticisms have been leveled at it. The breakup of relationships, violence, sexual pressure, body image problems for women and sexual addiction and dysfunction in men have all been blamed on the avid use of porn.
One could argue that all these things existed before search engines did; Henry VIII handily exemplified two or three. And is there no upside to having a world of human sexual wonders at your grown-up fingertips? Is the world in no way better for having a film called Bitanic? Let’s take a look past the implants and see if -- and when -- a little voyeurism is a good thing.

8 Secrets from Behind-the-Scenes of a Porn Shoot

It will come as no surprise to most to hear that not everything you see in an adult movie is as it seems. But what really happens behind the scenes on the set of a porn movie?

The Frisky / By Susannah Breslin

As a wise porn star once said, “Porn is all smoke and mirrors.” Same as Hollywood, the adult movie industry in the San Fernando Valley is in the business of figuring out what Americans’ dreams are and delivering their fantasies back to them in cinematic form. It will come as no surprise to most to hear that not everything you see in an adult movie is as it seems. But what really happens behind the scenes on the set of a porn movie?

1. Marathon Sex

It’s not uncommon, especially on the sets of bigger budget adult movies, for performers, male and female, to have sex for two hours at a time. That may be one thing if you’re Tantric sex freaks doing it in the privacy of your own home, but try hanging off the side of a fire truck going at it in the midday sun while a crew of 20 looks on. No cake walk for the ladies, surely, but guys who can keep it up for that long must be phallic Olympians.

2. Condoms? Mostly, No.

Bringing home a porn star

Sleeping with my favorite male performer gave me new appreciation for the difference between fantasy and reality

BY TRACY CLARK-FLORY

(Credit: Wallenrock via Shutterstock/Salon)

I was at a neighborhood bar when in walked a man that I’d slept with before — virtually speaking. We had traded intimacies without ever having met.

I grabbed my friend’s arm and whispered, “My favorite male porn star just walked in the door.” She looked at me dumbfounded: “You have a favorite male porn star?” OK, so the competition isn’t steep and, yes, I’m one of those mythic women who actually like porn (but for the record, we make up an estimated one-third of visits to adult sites). When I first clicked across this man — with his smoldering eyes, strong nose and athletic body — it allowed me to forget for a moment that porn is largely made by and for men. He’s a rare male performer who is charismatic, young and handsome — everything the infamous Ron Jeremy is not.
Seeing him in person, there was one thought on my mind: I need to sleep with him.

Pain Has Limits Set By God

One of our recurring fantasies is that there are some people who have it all, who have no problems, who just seem to cruise through life. You can see their faces and hear their stories on prime-time TV. Maybe you wish you could have a life like theirs.

Maybe you've also secretly wished you could be a Christian superhero like Abraham or David or St. Paul. Actually, the heroes of the Bible suffered as much as or more than you.

No More Secrets - Total Restoration From Pornography

Kirk Noonan 

Clay Crosse's battle with pornography almost ruined his marriage and career. But he found total restoration after honest confession.

CLAY CROSSE LIVED THE GOOD LIFE. He made big money as a Christian recording artist and climbed the charts with his signature song, “I Surrender All.” He had a beautiful family, a nice house, money to spend and a reputation as a stand-up guy. Plus, he had tens of thousands of adoring fans. He also had a dark secret-he struggled with porn.

Does Sexy Lingerie Promote a Perverted View of Beauty?

Another Monday, another reader question. Today's topic is introduced by an anonymous reader and involves sexy lingerie. Here's his story:

J – My wife and I have been married for three years now. During that time I have given her various gifts of lingerie around holidays, birthdays, random days… I love it when my wife gets dressed up in anticipation of sex. To me, a very visual man, it’s her way of inviting me to be intimate with her, kind of my version of foreplay. Just like when I bring her flowers, prepare a romantic dinner date, spend time holding her and kissing the nape of her neck. When she gets “dressed up,” she’s telling me she’s interested in pleasing me (she knows I’m visual), wants to look her best and have me devour her with my eyes (because my eyes are only for her), she wants to seduce/pursue me (and I want to be seduced/pursued).

Sex and the American Man: A Preview

Gentlemen, a show of hands: Who's having enough sex these days? We commissioned a nationwide survey to find out when (and where and why) American men are having sex right now, and the results reveal the expectations, frustrations, proclivities, perversions, and fantasies that define how we're doing it. Let's get started, shall we?

Diana Scheunemann

Cosmo’s Rules of Sexting

by Lorna Gray

Sexting – not as fun as the real thing but pretty darn good all the same... if you do it right, that is. To minimize the cringe and up the pleasure, here are Cosmo’s top rules for guaranteed sextual happiness

Don’t drink and sext

As good as it is to be a little bit forward now and again, repeat after us, ‘Will I cringe when I see this in the morning?’ If the answer is yes, then step away from that phone.

Sending a sexy pic?

It goes without saying, but proceed with caution. (Even if you’re 100% sure they’re for his eyes only). Why not go with the ‘no face’ rule so you’re unidentifiable? Oh and remember to delete them. Like, straightaway.

HOW TO SHARE YOUR DEEPEST FANTASIES

Men dream about sex

Jeanna Bryner, LiveScience Managing Editor


Credit: Phase4Photography | Shutterstock

No surprise here, men are more likely than women to dream about sex. And comparing notes in the morning may not be a turn on for either guys or gals, as women are more likely to have experienced nightmares, according to doctoral research reported in 2009 by psychologist Jennie Parker of the University of the West of England.

10 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex

Learn what he really wants in the bedroom and why

By Brendan Tapley

Freud called female sexuality “the dark continent”; if that’s true, male sexuality could qualify as the dark planet. But when it comes to sex, guys are simple, right? Not true. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, and as such, what you see and hear is typically the role, not the reality. It’s no wonder, in trying to please the actor, a woman loses sight of a guy’s true identity. Here are 10 “unmasking” facts you may want to know:

1. We Respond to Praise
It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.

2. We Fear Intimacy…
…but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins—of words, thoughts, feelings—and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men—not because it’s smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What’s a woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.

3. We Appreciate Sex for Sex’s Sake
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little “throw-me-down sex” is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, “Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.” On occasion, try letting him ravish you.

4. We Are Not Just Our…
The penis gets all the press, but men have “many erogenous zones,” says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. “Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.” Like the chest, the inner thighs and face. Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.

5. We Encourage Fantasies
“Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them,” says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.

6. We Like It When You Talk
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.

7. We Need Your Honesty
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.

8. We Enjoy the Dance
Men like a good quest; unfortunately, these days, there are so few. But romance earns that distinction. Allow us to court you; make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: “Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance.” How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls “separate sexuality”: a sexual life that doesn’t include, but doesn’t betray, the other. “For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy.” Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.

9. We Can Explain Pornography
Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn’t be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4 percent of the population, so it’s unlikely your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, “no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man.” Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex, with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of “what about it turns him on versus what turns you off.” That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity and closeness.

10. We Always Need It, But Not for the Reason You Think
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. “Men see sex as a celebration,” says Dr. Schaefer. “They wish women would take more of a ‘carpe diem’ approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It’s easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure and opportunity that sex affords us. On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung.” If that doesn’t make you want to “seize the day” (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the “bonding hormone,” bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure and promotes healing.
http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/sex-tips/10-things-men-wish-women-knew-about-sex-108377?link=rel&dom=yah_life&src=syn&con=blog_wd&mag=wdy

10 Hotels Where You Can Strip Down

 

http://www.oyster.com/hotels/theme/steamy-travel/slideshows/10-hotels-where-you-can-strip-down/slide2/

Desire Resort & Spa Riviera Maya  

Puerto Morelos, Mexico

For some travelers, itsy bitsy bikinis or revealing Speedos just don't cut it -- a vacation isn't a vacation without a little nudity. Luckily for them, these hotels are redefining casual dress with policies that let guests bare it all (or almost all). So take a peek -- a little voyeurism never hurt anyone.

First up, Desire Resort and Spa. You'll find all sorts at this clothing-optional, couples-only resort, from older married couples, to young nudists, to swingers. One thing they all have in common: They like to get naked. The resort bills itself as "a place of freedom where fantasies become real," and these fantasies can become real all over the property -- the white-sand beach, the big pool, and especially the large Jacuzzi, which can get pretty X-rated towards the wee hours of the morning.