How to know you're ready to tie the knot.
When you start thinking that he/she may be the one, make sure you ask these ten questions before you tie the knot.
#1: Do We Care about Each Other as Good Friends Do?
When you’re getting serious about someone, don't ask: “Are we in love?” The question to first ask instead is: “Are we becoming good friends?”“Being in love” often means infatuation, romance, and high chemistry – things that are essentially selfish. This type of “love” is not a good reason to get married, but friendship is. Friendship is not selfish. Real love is about giving to and caring about another person’s life. As Shaya Ostrov says in his book, The Inner Circle,"I’m watching you, hearing you, paying attention to you. I’ve put it all together and have arrived at the conclusion that you and your life mean something to me." That’s why the essence of real love is friendship
In a Jewish wedding ceremony, the bride and groom are given seven blessings. Not once but twice, we bless the couple that they should become “beloved friends.” Make sure you’re friends first and then lovers. A lover who is not your friend can easily hurt you. A friend who is your lover will never hurt you. And if they do, they will make every effort to repair the hurt, just like you do with your best friends. Friends care about each others' happiness and well-being.
Two people who cannot be emotionally open with each other can never have true intimacy and love. When we share our feelings with another we connect and feel close to that person.
We tend to be afraid to share what we feel because expressing it makes us vulnerable; it’s dangerous. With the person you’re considering marrying you must be sure you feel safe.
How do you know if the two of you are emotionally open and honest? The next time you have a conversation with your partner, ask him or her, “What do you feel about me right now?” or, “How does what I just said make you feel?” If you can communicate like this with each other consistently, you have the potential for building an intimate relationship.
To get married, you must be sure you have great communication. The reason is that marriage is nothing but problems! I know this doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s very realistic. Couples often mistake good chemistry for good communication. Just because you can talk for hours on the phone and feel very connected, doesn’t mean you have good communication. The only way you know if you have good communication is when you have problems. When there is a disagreement of any kind, small or large, this is when you find out how good or how bad your communication is. The essence of good communication is that you can consistently reach win-win solutions to your problems and disagreements. This means when you are finished talking, both of you feel good about the solution. There are no bad feelings on either side.
Problems that don’t get fully resolved turn into resentments. And when resentments build, love departs. The problem is not the problem. The communication about the problem is the problem.
One of the most important principles of marriage is: If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. Taking care of each other’s needs is about wanting to give each other pleasure. Being a giver is probably the most important character trait to have for getting married. People are naturally takers. It takes a great deal of effort to become a genuine giver. Giving in order to get something back is being a taker.
An important question to ask yourself is, “Do I enjoy giving to this person or do I find it burdensome?” Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages,suggests that each of us has a dominant love language or emotional need that makes us feel loved when another “speaks” that language to us. They are: gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch. What is your partner’s love language? Do you enjoy taking care of this need? Giving builds love. Taking destroys it.
We need to respect and admire the person we marry. We respect a person's good character, meaningful aspirations and goals he/she is committed to, and the good deeds he/she has done, not the way he/she looks.
How do you talk to each other? If you truly respect someone, you talk to that person with respect and dignity. Do you criticize or put each other down? Are you patient or impatient with each other? Do you make jokes about the other person in front of others and then try to cover it by saying, “I was only joking”?
One of the biggest ways that couples demonstrate a lack of respect for each other is by playing games. Playing games is immature and childish. Mature people who respect each other don’t play games. They are consistently up front, open, and honest.
When my three sons told me they wanted to get married, the first question I asked each of them was, “Are you ready to take on the responsibility of taking care of a wife and family?" If you're not ready to be fully responsible, you're not ready to get married. For a man marriage isn’t about getting his needs met. It’s about taking on responsibility and being a giver. Judaism understands that the essence of being a man is to give and provide. Boys are takers; men are givers. Are you ready to be a man?
The strongest need of a woman is to be cherished. The three A’s of cherishing a woman are: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. Neglect destroys a woman’s spirit. Making your wife feel loved and cherished is not just a nice idea; it's a Torah obligation.
Your man needs your respect and support. He needs you to believe in him. Men today are under so much pressure and so many demands are being made of them. The one place he doesn’t need to feel more pressure is at home. He needs you to believe that he is trying hard to provide for you and the needs of the family. The cruelest thing a wife can do is nag her husband. If he’s a good man and he’s trying hard, give him your love, not your list of demands. So before you commit your life to him, make sure you don’t have any hidden agenda or unexpressed expectations. Be up front. And if you decide to be his wife, then be his friend as well. Don’t turn on him.
The emotional foundation of love is trust. Without complete trust, you can’t build love. (I highly recommend Dr.John Gottman’s new book, The Science of Trust.) The essential issue of trust is captured in the question, “Are you there for me?” A solid marriage is built on solid trust. Can I trust that you will provide a safe home for my feelings and needs? Can I be sure I can be vulnerable with you? Am I afraid you will abandon, reject, or shame me?
A key way to build trust is by respecting and validating another person’s feelings. Listening to another person’s feelings is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can perform. If you don’t trust each other with your feelings, think twice about getting married.
One of two things happens in a marriage: People either grow together or grow apart. Spiritual compatibility is one of the best ways to insure you’ll grow together. This means you are on the same page in terms of your values, priorities, and life goals. Rabbi Noah Weinberg, of blessed memory, would often teach that life’s most important question is “What am I living for?” He maintained that until you can answer this question, you have no business getting married. A soul mate is a goal mate. Marriage is risky. Two people who don’t know what they’re living for may have a difficult time growing together and staying together over the long run.
To have peace of mind you have to identify and resolve the things that bother you about getting married or about marrying this person. To identify everything that bothers you, you must be ruthlessly honest with yourself and listen to your feelings. If you don’t have peace of mind about marrying this person, track down the reason. If you are diligent, you'll discover the reason why you are dragging your feet. And if you can’t track it down through your own efforts, see a competent therapist to help you.
Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to
datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.
Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the books In the Beginning - How to Survive Your Engagement and Build a Great Marriage and Talking Tachlis - a Singles?€˜ Strategy for Marriage, published by Targum Press.
They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.
#2: Are We Emotionally Honest and Vulnerable with Each Other?
Two people who cannot be emotionally open with each other can never have true intimacy and love. When we share our feelings with another we connect and feel close to that person.
We tend to be afraid to share what we feel because expressing it makes us vulnerable; it’s dangerous. With the person you’re considering marrying you must be sure you feel safe.
How do you know if the two of you are emotionally open and honest? The next time you have a conversation with your partner, ask him or her, “What do you feel about me right now?” or, “How does what I just said make you feel?” If you can communicate like this with each other consistently, you have the potential for building an intimate relationship.
#3: Do We Consistently Reach Win/Win Resolutions To Our Problems?
To get married, you must be sure you have great communication. The reason is that marriage is nothing but problems! I know this doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s very realistic. Couples often mistake good chemistry for good communication. Just because you can talk for hours on the phone and feel very connected, doesn’t mean you have good communication. The only way you know if you have good communication is when you have problems. When there is a disagreement of any kind, small or large, this is when you find out how good or how bad your communication is. The essence of good communication is that you can consistently reach win-win solutions to your problems and disagreements. This means when you are finished talking, both of you feel good about the solution. There are no bad feelings on either side.
Problems that don’t get fully resolved turn into resentments. And when resentments build, love departs. The problem is not the problem. The communication about the problem is the problem.
#4: Do We Take Care of Each Other’s Needs?
One of the most important principles of marriage is: If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. Taking care of each other’s needs is about wanting to give each other pleasure. Being a giver is probably the most important character trait to have for getting married. People are naturally takers. It takes a great deal of effort to become a genuine giver. Giving in order to get something back is being a taker.
An important question to ask yourself is, “Do I enjoy giving to this person or do I find it burdensome?” Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages,suggests that each of us has a dominant love language or emotional need that makes us feel loved when another “speaks” that language to us. They are: gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and physical touch. What is your partner’s love language? Do you enjoy taking care of this need? Giving builds love. Taking destroys it.
#5: Do We Admire And Respect Each Other?
We need to respect and admire the person we marry. We respect a person's good character, meaningful aspirations and goals he/she is committed to, and the good deeds he/she has done, not the way he/she looks.
How do you talk to each other? If you truly respect someone, you talk to that person with respect and dignity. Do you criticize or put each other down? Are you patient or impatient with each other? Do you make jokes about the other person in front of others and then try to cover it by saying, “I was only joking”?
One of the biggest ways that couples demonstrate a lack of respect for each other is by playing games. Playing games is immature and childish. Mature people who respect each other don’t play games. They are consistently up front, open, and honest.
#6: For the Man: Are You Ready to Take Responsibility for a Wife and Family?
When my three sons told me they wanted to get married, the first question I asked each of them was, “Are you ready to take on the responsibility of taking care of a wife and family?" If you're not ready to be fully responsible, you're not ready to get married. For a man marriage isn’t about getting his needs met. It’s about taking on responsibility and being a giver. Judaism understands that the essence of being a man is to give and provide. Boys are takers; men are givers. Are you ready to be a man?
The strongest need of a woman is to be cherished. The three A’s of cherishing a woman are: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. Neglect destroys a woman’s spirit. Making your wife feel loved and cherished is not just a nice idea; it's a Torah obligation.
#7: For the Woman: Do You Believe in Him?
#8: Do I Trust This Person Completely?
The emotional foundation of love is trust. Without complete trust, you can’t build love. (I highly recommend Dr.John Gottman’s new book, The Science of Trust.) The essential issue of trust is captured in the question, “Are you there for me?” A solid marriage is built on solid trust. Can I trust that you will provide a safe home for my feelings and needs? Can I be sure I can be vulnerable with you? Am I afraid you will abandon, reject, or shame me?
A key way to build trust is by respecting and validating another person’s feelings. Listening to another person’s feelings is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can perform. If you don’t trust each other with your feelings, think twice about getting married.
#9: Do We Want the Same Things Out of Life?
#10: Do I Have Peace of Mind About This Decision?
Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.
Our entire relationship consists of text messages. Is this normal?
Dear Rosie & Sherry,
I live in New York and have been tele-dating a guy from the Midwest. We met once for three days. He's very much into texts and does not call that often. He told me he would be ready to discuss “moving forward” for my birthday this past July, but now he says he’s not ready to talk.
He still texts me a few times a week, and if I let more than a day go by without replying, he makes sure to send me another message asking if everything is okay.
What's going on? What should I do?
Jill
Rosie and Sherry's Answer:
Dear Jill,
At first glance, your letter describes a dilemma that many others have struggled with. You see possibilities with the person you're dating and would like to move things forward, but he is unsure. Since you know that people become invested in a relationship at different paces, you let him take the time he needs to get clarity. That time has long passed, and now, you're tired of being in limbo. You want to know what you can do to get this man to say something (anything!) about where he sees this relationship going.
Perhaps the problem is that he isn't ready for serious dating. Ideally, someone who isn't ready for marriage shouldn't get involved with those who are dating for marriage – and they should make this lack of intention clear from the beginning. And certainly, if one person is eager to move forward, the other shouldn't give false hope by saying that he's ready when he isn't, or by setting a deadline he’s not determined to meet.
We have seen people succeed at “making themselves ready” for marriage, but not by giving themselves an arbitrary deadline. They’ve done it by taking a break from dating, figuring out what they need to accomplish to be ready for marriage, making a plan for how to do it, and then getting it done.
Texting is a poor substitute for phone calls, Skype, and even email.
The other major reason why people get stuck is that they aren't sure how they feel about the person they’re dating. Sometimes, they're grappling with an issue they need to resolve, such as whether they can be okay with a dating partner's personality trait, or with something about her background or health. Or they may be worried how she'll react to something they haven't yet told her. Or they may worry whether a major difference in goals, values or lifestyle can be reconciled.
Another possibility is that one person isn't where he needs to be at this point in terms of attraction and/or emotional connection. This is likely what's happening with the man you're dating. Because he uses texting as the primary means of communication, he's barely gotten to know you, and his expectations about where he should "be" are premature. In other words, the texting has actually kept your relationship from developing.
Texting is intended as a way of short, spontaneous or emergent messaging. It's ideal for confirming appointments, quick updates ("on my way" or "running late"), or a brief "thinking of you," "good morning," or other one-line messages. It's not a way to carry on a conversation – it's not an alternative to an actual date, and it's a very poor substitute for phone calls, Skype, and even email.
People who use texting as their preferred form of communication lose out on the opportunity to discuss a subject in depth, the way we do in a face-to-face or phone conversation. There are no long talks or opportunities to express thoughts and feelings that enable you to get a sense of who each other really are. Instead, your communication is by nature brief and superficial – encouraging people to replace "depth and subtlety in their thinking with quick mental facts that only skim the surface." (Dr. Gary Small, Psychology Today). Think of like a situation comedy – observations and cute one-liners, but not much more.
The nuance of spoken words, non-verbal cues, and chemistry are all missing from a text exchange.
Communication doesn't only consist of the words we use. During a face-to-face meeting, we observe another person's facial expressions, gestures and body language. We hear the tone and nuance of the spoken words. We can see if the other person is paying attention or is distracted. We can learn to read and respond to each other's non-verbal cues. We pick up on a person’s nervous habits, as well as their endearing ones. These are the experiences that enable us to feel a sense of chemistry. All of this is missing during a text exchange.
This man may think that the few dates you had over a three-day period was enough to build upon, and that things can continue with the help of cyberspace. He's mistaken. Those first few face-to-face meetings were only helpful to decide if you’re comfortable enough with each other's appearance and manner of relating.
Texting can be abused as a way to pass the time without really becoming emotionally invested or involved. Author Emma Gray calls texting “the pygmy of communication methods. It's a Post-it note, a P.S. It's minimum investment, minimum effort. It's often cowardly – a way to avoid face-to-face contact.'"
By texting, this man is stringing you along. He may even have a number of these “relationships” going at once – biding his time, without making any commitment, just waiting to see what pans out. It’s also possible he has no intention of any of these relationships becoming more than they are now.
You need to pull this relationship out of its rut. Tell him that so far you’ve enjoyed the texting, but now you need more face-time.
The first step is that he needs to clarify to himself whether he's ready for a serious relationship that may lead to marriage.
After that is resolved, the next step is to decide if the two of you have potential.
We're not surprised that this man can't make a decision about what he wants to do. Texting has kept you from learning about each other on a deeper level, developing the beginning of an emotional connection, and enabling any physical attraction to grow. No matter how many months you've been texting, you are still at a very early stage in the courtship. It's too early for it to be a statement that he's getting "serious."
What you need is another long trip to see each other – an opportunity to learn more about each other and how you relate. Think of it as the 4th, 5th and 6th dates.
Limit texts to a quick "hi" in the middle of the day.
We recommend that you arrange to see each other within the next few weeks for face-to-face dates. You need to interact in different venues – doing varied activities, and talking about topics in-depth. This will help you see different sides of each other and develop a shared history that enables you to form an emotional bond. During the stretches of time you can't be together, telephone and Skype can help you continue the momentum you started to develop.
In between, talk on the phone or Skype a few times a week. If he feels uncomfortable transitioning away from text, start with 15-minute calls, during which you can each talk about your day, something you saw in the news, what you're looking forward to, or an interesting experience. From there, move on to longer, one-hour "phone dates."
As for texts, limit those to a quick "hi" in the middle of the day. For while texting can be a good way to convey short messages, it's not a good way to build a relationship.
We wish you success in navigating the dating maze,
Rosie & Sherry
Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to
datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.
Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the books In the Beginning - How to Survive Your Engagement and Build a Great Marriage and Talking Tachlis - a Singles?€˜ Strategy for Marriage, published by Targum Press.
They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.
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