ANSWERED BY
ERIC CHRISTOFF, MD, AAHIVM
ERIC CHRISTOFF, MD, AAHIVM
A: Thank you for your questions. It can be painful to learn that your spouse cheated...all kinds of emotions can rise to the surface. I’ll do what I can to address your concerns.
First, do you know if the infection for which you were treated was an STD? Many non-sexual vaginal infections (like a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis) have similar symptoms to STDs. So the only way you would know if you had – or have– an STD is to get tested.
I encourage you to talk with your doctor about your previous infection...and your possible exposure to an STD. Testing for common STDs– including chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes 1 & 2, syphilis and others– might be a good idea in your situation. And the sooner you know your STD status, the sooner you can get treated, if necessary...and you’ll have a better idea of what steps to take to protect your health and that of a future sexual partner.
As for your husband’s indiscretion...
Yes, even if he used a condom, he still could have caught a sexually transmitted infection and passed it on to you. How? While safer sex practices like using condoms reduce the risk of catching an STD from an infected partner, they’re not foolproof. Condoms don’t cover the entire genital area...so, for example, direct contact between the vulva and scrotum could transmit an infection. Genital herpes and genital warts are the most common STDs transmitted through skin-to-skin contact, so you may want to mention these possibilities to your doctor. You can also learn more about these and other STDs in our Expert Guides.
How long should you wait before having sex with a new partner? Most STDs won’t clear up on their own...so just waiting a certain amount of time won’t make you more or less infectious. Rather, before you have oral, vaginal or anal sex with a new partner, I would encourage both of you to get tested for STDs. Again, that’s the only way to know if one of you has an infection.
If you find out that you do have an STD, you can take the necessary precautions to keep each other as healthy as possible. For example, chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis and syphilis can all be easily cured with a dose of antibiotics. HIV, herpes and hepatitis can’t be cured...but there are effective treatment options that can help manage symptoms and reduce the risk of transmission. Of course, I would also encourage you to practice safer sex by using a condom for vaginal and anal sex; and a condom or dental dam for oral sex.
Finally, before you start a new relationship, you may wish to see a counselor to help you work through any lingering emotional concerns you may have about your marriage and your husband’s infidelity. I wish you good luck and good health as you move forward.
Dr. Christoff is a practicing physician at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, as well as Assistant Professor of Clinical Medicine at the Feinberg School of Medicine, Northwestern University. His areas of expertise include the treatment of HIV and syphilis along with other STDs, the medical treatment of depression and chronic fatigue, and the specific health needs of gay and lesbian patients. Dr. Christoff was educated at the University of Toledo, College of Medicine and completed his residency at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center in Chicago, IL.
The Key to a Lasting Marriage
And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
Do you remember the Energizer Bunny? He was the mascot and marketing icon for Energizer Batteries. That little rabbit beat a bass drum … and he never stopped. He just kept going and going and going.
Wouldn’t it be nice if marriages were like that? Wouldn’t it be nice if, when you tied the knot, it wasn’t a slipknot? The sad truth is that tons of marriages don’t seem to last as long as an Energizer Battery.
I performed a wedding one time for a marriage that ended up lasting only four months. Four Months! I was shocked and dismayed. The couple went through nine weeks of premarital counseling and still trashed their wedding vows after four short months. Now, whenever I do a wedding, I have the couple repeat after me, “Divorce is not an option.” As Ruth Graham once said, “I never considered divorcing Billy, but I did think of murdering him.” She was obviously kidding about the latter.
WHAT IS THE KEY?
Without question, if you want to have a good and lasting marriage, one that keeps going and going and going, getting better and better as time marches on, there is one big requirement. It is the “F” word – forgiveness.
What is the source of all the problems in marriage? It is simple. Guys, you married a sinner. And she married a bigger one! When you get two sinners together, there will be fireworks, disagreements, hurt feelings and the need to seek forgiveness and grant forgiveness.
1. Seek Forgiveness. When you do something dumb, selfish and hurtful, be quick to take full responsibility and humbly and genuinely apologize. Don’t go to bed until you make right those things you made wrong. A good maxim to live by in your relationship with the Lord and your spouse: “When you mess up, fess up.” Spit on your pride and your rights and be quick to seek forgiveness for your sins and failures.
2. Grant Forgiveness. When your feelings have been hurt, don’t hold on to the hurt. Let it go. Even if your spouse does not seek forgiveness, grant it to him/her. Every hurt eventually turns to anger. And unresolved anger turns to bitterness and resentment, two poisonous snakes that inject their venom into the marriage until the love is dead and an icy cold fills the once happy home. God’s Word is clear, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (Ephesians 4:26-27). Talk through problems, hurts and issues in the marriage. Don’t let molehills turn into mountains. Give your hurts to God and refuse to live in unforgiveness.
OUR STORY
On Tuesday, March 15th, Debbie and I will celebrate 25 years of marriage. We can honestly say that we love each other way more today than we did when we married at 23. Although we have had our fair share of bumps in the road, we have made the Lord our cornerstone and practiced seeking and granting forgiveness. It has made all the difference in the world.
In your marriage now (or marriage to come for those who are single), make it your goal to be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving. If you are thinking of throwing in the towel on your marriage, seek godly counsel before you do anything of the sort. God specializes in raising the dead. He can even raise your dead marriage, if you let Him.
Love,
Jeff Schreve is Senior Pastor of First Baptist Church in Texarkana, Texas. He and his wife Debbie have been married for over 20 years and are blessed with three wonderful girls. Jeff began From His Heart Ministries, a radio and television ministry, in January of 2005. This ministry is completely listener/viewer supported. It continues only through the faithful and generous gifts of people like you. Pastor Jeff takes no salary from this ministry. All gifts go to further the broadcast.
When The Flame Flickers: Rekindling Intimacy In Your Marriage
How do you deal with shattered dreams and broken hearts in a marriage relationship? Where can you find hope to rebuild the worn and damaged pieces? Find answers to help you bring restoration to your marriage as counselor Tim Jackson examines God’s original design for oneness in marriage. Experience the shared wonder of God’s plan for your marriage, when you allow Him to rekindle the fire.
Discovery Series is part of the RBC Ministries family of resources. Offering more than 200 Bible-based teachings from the study of Scripture to topics on everyday life, this collection of writings is designed to promote spiritual growth and enrichment in your walk with Christ.
Helping you to apply the life-changing wisdom of the Bible in every season of life is a hallmark of the Discovery Series. Within the pages of these booklets you’ll find biblical studies that reveal God’s heart for mankind. In addition to providing you with messages of encouragement and hope, these teachings also offer godly counsel to help you make wise decisions.
Filled with fresh perspectives on God’s Word and practical guidelines for application, each 32-page, easy-to-read booklet can be used for individual or group study. Take the journey to a deeper understanding of God and discover how you can live a complete and meaningful life.
The Discovery Series collection is available to you at no cost or obligation. All titles may be viewed online in PDF and printed copies of selected titles may also be ordered. A printed copy of the Discovery Series Resource Catalog, which contains a descriptive listing of all booklets, may be ordered or viewed/downloaded online in PDF.
We are grateful for the support given to RBC Ministries. Many people, making even the smallest of donations, enable us to reach others with the life-changing wisdom of the Bible. RBC Ministries is not funded or endowed by any group or denomination.
Helping you to apply the life-changing wisdom of the Bible in every season of life is a hallmark of the Discovery Series. Within the pages of these booklets you’ll find biblical studies that reveal God’s heart for mankind. In addition to providing you with messages of encouragement and hope, these teachings also offer godly counsel to help you make wise decisions.
Filled with fresh perspectives on God’s Word and practical guidelines for application, each 32-page, easy-to-read booklet can be used for individual or group study. Take the journey to a deeper understanding of God and discover how you can live a complete and meaningful life.
The Discovery Series collection is available to you at no cost or obligation. All titles may be viewed online in PDF and printed copies of selected titles may also be ordered. A printed copy of the Discovery Series Resource Catalog, which contains a descriptive listing of all booklets, may be ordered or viewed/downloaded online in PDF.
We are grateful for the support given to RBC Ministries. Many people, making even the smallest of donations, enable us to reach others with the life-changing wisdom of the Bible. RBC Ministries is not funded or endowed by any group or denomination.
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