Transparency or Wisdom in Marriage?

I go back and forth between thinking that my spouse and I need to communicate and be completely transparent with each other so that our trust level and relationship can grow vs. thinking that I need to be wise and hide some things from him because if he really knew all about me then he would feel too safe, would get bored and will go find his adventure somewhere else. I’m still not sure which one is the right answer, but I do know that when you hide things, it gives Satan a foothold. It allows him to come in and whisper lies in your ear like, “he doesn’t really love you and he never did” or “you are completely worthless and your husband knows it, so you need to pretend”. I’ve always went with transparency in the past and it hasn’t served me too well, but with this different way I find myself wanting to sin more and slowly wanting to distance myself from him, I don’t think it is good either. Maybe I’ll just go with transparency and hope that he chooses me despite his boredom….or is that stupid? Still don’t know.


This week has been a rough one for us, my husband has been studying every evening for a long time to pass test #4 out of five to become where he wants to be in his career. I have made lots of sacrifices to give him extra time to study and I’ve been ignored. He didn’t pass the test, so he has to take it again in the spring and we are far apart, and our marriage is getting attacked by stupid little things. We had a date at home last night which was amazing, and we’ve got a babysitter tonight again so we can spend some time together. Slowly, I think we’ll get back to normal, but I’m feeling the void and I’m vulnerable and I really need some extra help from God right now because temptations are strong and I make terrible choices sometimes. And Satan keeps whispering in my ear that my husband doesn’t really love me and maybe he never did, but I know it is a lie and even if it’s true it doesn’t matter because I have a good God who will meet ALL of my needs. And I see my husband trying so hard to make me happy right now, and I know he loves me but it won’t reach my mind.

Switching topics:
I’ve noticed that it’s kind of taboo to talk about your husband’s affair, once people know that your husband has cheated, they treat you different, they avoid you and they look down on you. It’s like, you must be crazy to stay with someone who would do that. It’s unacceptable in our society to forgive in marriage, and if you do, definitely don’t talk about it! Strong women stand up for themselves, strong women get divorces, you must be an idiot to forgive twice. What’s wrong with you?

I kind of get it, if someone told me that their husband was an abuser and he repented and now their marriage is great, my first concern would be for their welfare. I would ask over and over again if they are okay and I would make sure that they weren’t in denial. I would question their intelligence and if they are really looking at their marriage correctly. I would do the same thing others do. But this isn’t okay. I don’t even want to think about how the sinner must get treated, I know it’s not good and I know they don’t get the support they need. They’re told to hide their sin and not tell anyone about it so that no one will lecture them or tell them what a horrible person they are. That’s not okay either. We should all be rejoicing in God’s goodness that He can help us overcome sin, anything less is not trusting in Him.

The truth is, is that we are ALL sinful. All of us, and we don’t get to judge and condemn other sinners who are actively trying to follow the Lord, who have repented, and who have changed. Sure there will be times of weakness in them, that’s how sin works. Once a certain sin has gotten a grip on us, it never really lets go, it’s going to be a lifelong struggle. But Christ has promised that He will overcome sin. He has already won the battle! We CAN change with His help. Victory is ours and that piece of truth is what makes us not idiots. If we are trusting in the Lord, then that is the wisest thing we can do.

I think that our concept of beautiful marriage is a lie and I think everyone believes this lie because we are too scared to tell the real stories. The real stories about marriage can get ugly, and there can be many years of hardship, betrayal, pain, and selfishness between spouses. Marriages that stay together have to endure difficulty, and it’s humbling and it seems stupid. It seems like you’re being a wuss to put up with such awful behavior from your spouse. But that’s not the truth, the strong one in a marriage isn’t the one who files for divorce to stand up for themselves when things get hard. The strong one is the one who holds on tightly to that marriage when everything is falling apart. Every once in awhile, someone shares their real story with me and it’s so beautiful. It’s not beautiful because she got treated like a princess and her husband discovered her worth and treated her just right. It’s beautiful because she spent many years suffering and sacrificing for him, and then he suffered and sacrificed for her when she failed, and they had to let go of their plans for happiness, and they had to give up on the idea that they had to be perfect for each other, somewhere along the way they just started accepting each other completely, the stinky parts and the good, and they’re probably going to keep messing up but it just doesn’t matter as much to them anymore because they’re both in it for the long haul and they’re going to still need to lean heavily on each other sometimes, but other times will be filled with light and passion and amazing times. The difficult times are worth the risk because the good is so incredibly good. When I hear those stories, I’m not amazed by how wonderful the wife is, I see God. I see how it couldn’t have been possible without Him and that makes it so much more beautiful.


How To Be Saved

Romans 3:23″For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”

We are all sinners, none of us are good. None! We can never meet the standard of perfection that God has for us.

Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

Since we are sinners, we deserve death. That is the only fair and just consequence for our actions.

Romans 5:8 declares, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

God loves us so much, that He sent His only son to die on our behalf so we wouldn’t have to. It is a free gift for us to accept, but it is not ours unless we accept it.

Romans 10:9, “that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”
To accept God’s free gift, we must say with our mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that He died and was raised from the dead.

Romans 8:1 teaches us, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

We will not be judged by God for our sins, Jesus took our punishment for us.

Romans 8:38-39, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Nothing, NOTHING, can separate us from the love of God. Not sin, not anything! God will always love us.

If you would like to become a Christian, here is a prayer for you that you can pray.

Dear Lord,

I am a sinner, I am not good. I accept the free gift of Jesus Christ that you have given me. Please forgive all of my sins. Help me to follow and love you in everything that I do.

Amen

About Me

This blog is about my marriage and my life.  I have a passion for helping marriages survive in this fallen world and for encouraging wives to love their husbands.  I have been married almost ten years now and have survived some very rough times with my husband.  We have lost all hope and then been surprised by how God keeps His promises. I don’t have marriage figured out, in fact, I think I might be bad at it, but I’m holding on and trying to figure it out.

My prayer is that God works here to show his unending grace and love to ALL His children in however way He sees fit.  Dear Lord, please use me, help them to see You and not me.

I’m 34 years old, I have three wonderful daughters and I live in the Midwest.  I am a stay-at-home mom and I homeschool.  I believe in reformed theology.  I love running, playing guitar, blogs, drinking coffee with friends and spending time with God.

Sis

Sexy Christian Wife

Scandalous, Vulnerable, Holy, Marriage Advice

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