My boyfriend and I had broken up. My landlord had sold my house. I was house-sitting for a work-friend. It was summer and I’m a teacher so there was no work to occupy my mind. At that time, I didn’t have a faith community to lift me up. I was alone, in an unfamiliar place, with no one to talk to and nothing to do; torture for a person with an anxiety disorder. My panic got out of control for another one of those week-long stints.
I called out to God and heard no answer back.
One Sunday, I decided to go to the tiny church that was within walking distance on the backcountry road I called home for that month. I describe myself as a carcass that day. I felt utterly lonely, exhausted, empty and pathetic. I knew I was at my lowest point. How could I feel like this when I am a child of God. I’m a failure. Maybe I’ve done something wrong to deserve it. Where am I going to live? Will I be alone for the rest of my life?
When I arrived, the dimly lit sanctuary fit my mood. I wanted to slip unnoticed into a back pew and escape with minimal handshaking when it was over. I hoped to glean a speck of wisdom and get out of there. God had a different plan . . . a better one.
From the opening prayer to the final benediction, I could not stop crying. Something unexpected happened: a three-year-old girl climbed onto my lap. I thought it was odd that a child would approach me, a weeping stranger who looked haggard. Her parents turned around and asked if she was bothering me. I shook my head no, unable to speak through my tears.
The toddler babbled, drew on my bulletin, and petted my hair. This tender expression did nothing to slow my tears.
I kept saying “uh-huh” to her gibberish and tried to listen to the service. Then she looked me in the face and I heard her speak clearly. She said, “You’re beautiful.”
Looking back, I can see how God put that little girl on my lap to speak for him that day. It wasn’t a cure; it didn’t fix my broken life or magically wash away my anxiety. It was an affirmation that I was loved. God didn’t point out all the things I’d done wrong, or how undeserving I was. He told me the truth, the opposite of what I was thinking about myself. Those two words from the mouth of an angel-child were a shaft of light from heaven.
Has God does something in your life you’d like to share?
Tell us about it here.
Tell us about it here.
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